Tag Archives: Bitchface

GoT S3E3 The Bear and the Maiden Fair

21 Apr

Now that’s what I’m talking about! Action, excitement, power plays, and an insanely amazing final 30 seconds of television. I stated in my episode one review that the first two episodes of each new season usually drag a bit. You feel as though you are watching someone set up dominoes and all you can think about is how you can’t wait for that moment when someone pushes on the first one and sets in motion the rapid and exciting collapse.

GoT

Book 3 is my favorite of the series and even though they are splitting the book into two seasons, I can safely say that so much happens in this book that we are headed for a roller coaster of action, emotion, drama, and violence. Prepare yourself for a wild ride for the remainder of the season. SO without further rambling – let’s go to Westeros!

Beyond The Wall

I am going to say this about the happenings beyond the wall as of right now — BORING. First we have Jon Snow, Mance Rayder and company stumbling upon what looks to beĀ  a sacrifice of horse parts from The Craft. They realize that many men of the Nights Watch have been killed and turned by the white walkers, which makes the urgency of the wildlings mission to storm the Wall much more immediate. Mance sends Jon and other ahead to scout the wall so that war may begin, but not much else happens there.

Not psyched about storming the castle.

Not psyched about storming the castle.

The Nights Watch crew arrives at Crasters Keep where Craster continues to be the creepiest dude of all time as he threatens to shut up his daughter/wife’s labor pains by punching her in the face. He also teases Sam for being fat to the degree that Sam flees the cottage to find Gilly pushing out a little baby boy. We know from last season that a boy means he will be left out for the walkers as a sacrifice since Craster only wants to keep girls for doing his chores and banging. Things don’t look good for Gilly’s lil’ guy.

Astapor (Slavers Bay)

I have been looking forward to Dany becoming more of a badass queen after she was utterly useless last season. She now has both Barristan Selmy and Jorah Mormont on her side and she is ready to make a deal for her army. She walks the slavers walk of punishment and as she sees men chained up and dying in the sun you can sense her finally realizing that there are people who have suffered and do suffer far more than she ever has and ever will. She asks Jorah and Barristan for their counsel regarding the purchase of the unsullied and then heads to her meeting with the disgusting slave owner (who I’d like to refer to as creepy Ben Kingsley forevermore).

But WE are not men.

But WE are not men.

Dany tells creepy Ben Kingsley (CBK) she wants all of the unsullied and he basically laughs in her face as she can’t afford such a thing. He does the math for her and then asks how she is going to pay for everything. She offers a dragon. (GASP! Okay, not really – I’ve read the books). Barristan and Jorah both try to talk sense to her in front of CBK and she swats them away.

The slaver demands two dragons but she also smacks him down and says he can have the biggest dragon and she will take all of the unsullied, including the half trained boys, AND she’ll take CBK’s translator Missandei as a sign of good faith on the pact. DAMN DANY — way to bargain like a queen.

WERK

WERK

Let’s just say it, bitch totally owned it in this scene. As she exits the meeting and the men try to make her reconsider she really lets it fly and tells them NEVER TO QUESTION HER IN FRONT OF OTHERS AGAIN — unless they’d no longer like to be in her service. Atta’ girl.

When Missandei says “Valor Margholis” to her she responds in the most kick ass way possible – “Yes, all men must die, but WE are not men.” CHILLS. She is being the queen we knew she was meant to be since she emerged from the flames with her baby dragons. Get it Khaleesi!

Riverrun

Catelyn Stark’s father has died and is being sent down the river in a viking funeral. What a fitting introduction to the fuckwit Edmure Tully (her little bro) and Brynden “Blackfish” Tully (her dashing and no bullshit uncle). This show is brilliant because in just one wordless scene we see what an ineffective oaf Edmure is (bitch can’t even fire a flaming arrow at his father’s funeral pyre) and how the Blackfish must push him out of the way and save the day. I love how the Blackfish shot the arrow and didn’t even need to look that it hit because he knew. SWAGGER!

Edmure = douche rocket

Edmure = douche rocket

Back at the castle our suspicions of Edmure being a total shit are confirmed when we find out he’s been taking men out on pointless attacks against the Lannister army in an effort to bring himself glory. Both the Blackfish and Rob chastise him supremely harshly and finally it seems that the show is sort of letting us know exactly how fucked Robb Stark is. Things aren’t looking great for the King in the North.

Catelyn also gets in a nice sad scene talking about her dad and how she used to wait for him to come home from war by the window and wonders if Bran and Rickon did the same for her. She tells Blackfish she is sure they are dead but he makes her promise to keep pretending for Robb’s sake.

Get a load of this idiot one more time.

Get a load of this idiot one more time.

Robb’s wife also gets a scene which makes me find her slightly less annoying as she tells a young captured Lannister that her husband only turns into a wolf on full moons after the boy asks if the rumors are true that he turns into a wolf and eats his captives. For being a pretty lame character, I thought this was kind of funny and at least offers a bit of insight into why Robb would completely fuck up his cause and break his pact with the Freys just to marry this chick.

The Red Keep/Kings Landing

I’ll be damned if I didn’t laugh the hardest at the scene where Tywin sets up his chairs for the council meeting on one side of the table while he sits at the head. It’s little power plays like this that just crack me up. Littlefinger and Varys enter the chamber and only look at each other, raise their eyebrows, and take seats.

The Lannister children won’t stand for this and when Cersei enters the room she pulls a chair from the side of the table and then plunks it down next to her father. I don’t know why this was so amusing – but I could watch Cersei’s bitch faces and power playing ways all damn day. Tyrion enters the room and instead of pulling a chair closer to his father, he takes a chair and pulls it to the opposite end of the table, as far away from Cersei and Tywin as possible. After Tywin’s shitty treatment of Tyrion he definitely deserves this non-verbal bitch slap.

The best.

Sooo good.

What we don’t see coming though (okay, I did because I have read the books) is that LittlefingerĀ  is moving to the Vale to woo and marry Lysa Arryn and there is a vacancy for master of coin. Tywin gives Tyrion the job, much to the half man’s chagrin. Tyrion soon learns that all Littlefinger has been doing is borrowing millions and millions from the bank of Braavos and this can not end well. Yikes.

In lighter and more hilairous news – Podrick Payne is an animal in the sack. As repayment for saving his life and being a loyal squire Tyrion and Bronn purchase Pod several whores to swipe his v-card. Podrick’s eyes are as big as saucers as the ladies do gymnastic moves and touch up on him. Tyrion leaves a pouch of money and tells Pod to have a good time on him.

Bobcat in the sack

Bobcat in the sack

Pod returns to Tyrion’s room where Bronn and Tyrion are hanging out and plunks Tyrion’s money down on the table. Apparently Pod was such a champ in sheets that the whores didn’t want his money. Hilarious. Who knew? Bronn and Tyrion make him pull up a seat and tell them his secrets. Bro bonding at the Keep! Love it.

Arya

Arya only gets one (adorable) scene this week, but damn if it didn’t break my heart a little. The Brotherhood without Banners are taking Gendry and Arya with them on the road but Hot Pie is being left behind to bake at the inn after they discovered he makes amazing bread. I am sure Hot Pie is more than a little relieved at this news but is going to miss his only friends.

Together one last time.

Together one last time.

The goodbye is totally preshy because Hot Pie bakes Arya a loaf of bread shaped like a wolf. Maybe because I was watching this with three others chicks – but there was a collective “Awwww” in the room after this scene. Arya and Gendry wave goodbye to their portly friend and Arya takes a bite of the bread as they trot off and yells back “It’s really good.” Man, I love that girl.

Theon

Theon is aided by a man he considers to be a friend of his sister in his escape from the torture chamber. He flees but finds he is quickly hunted by four men on horseback. It’s obvious the wounded Theon is no match for them but as he is about to be killed, the four men are shot down with a crossbow and killed. Theon’s savior is the same man who helped him escape. As the last man is dying he looks at his murderer and mutters “You bastard.” If Theon’s savior is who I think he is, this is pretty hilarious. More on that in later episodes.

And because I save the best for last…

Brienne and Jamie

The Maid of Tarth and the Kingslayer have been captured by some rogue Bolton bannermen and it’s bad news bears all around. As the two (adorably sitting on the same horse – more fodder for my fan fic) are being lead through the woods, Jamie brings up some unpleasant conversation. Jamie is worth a hefty ransom and the favor of the King of the North (or lots of gold from the Lannisters – depending on what these rogue bannermen decide), but Brienne is worthless to them.

Tied together, back to back - my favorite couple

Tied together, back to back – my favorite couple

Jamie tells Brienne this and he also tells her she is going to be gang raped most likely. He tells her not to fight and just imagine something else. Of course he knows she will fight and she will also die because of it. The look of fear on Brienne’s face is just heartbreaking. Brienne tells Jamie she’s going to fight – what else can she do. She’ll die before she lets that happen. She asks Jamie what he’d do and he responds that he’d fight to the death too — except he knows he’ll never know that fear since he is a man. Awful.

Two badass mofos

Two badass mofos

Later that night as Jamie is being tied to a tree and Brienne is starting to fight off the men – Jamie does something that starts his path into being one of the show’s more noble characters. Even though he doesn’t have to do it – he lies and tells the leader (Locke) that Brienne is worth a hefty ransom as she comes from the Isle of Sapphires. He is fairly cocky during the exchange and tells the man they’ll only get a reward if she is returned “unbesmirched”. The look of pride on Jamie’s face at his lie and his big boy vocabulary word is completely epic.

The best.

The best.

Locke calls off the raping of the maid and Jamie has saved her honor and her life, though he had no reason to. She is tied against the tree across from him and the look of gratefulness and confusion she has when looking at Jamie is pretty wonderful. She doesn’t understand but must assume that he has struck a deal for her. Jamie is feeling so confident about his persuasive powers that he tries to get the men to free him, promising Lannister riches for all. And for a brief moment we think this man has taken the bait. Jamie is untied and brought to the fire, presumably to have dinner with the men.

You just had to get cocky didn't you?

You just had to get cocky didn’t you?

Jamie shoots Brienne a look like “I got this” and starts walking toward the campfire. In a harrowing final minute of the show – Jamie is pressed down on a tree stump like a chopping block. He is taunted and reminded “You’re nothing without your daddy, and your daddy ain’t here.” As I was watching this and the blade was traced over Jamie’s eye, my one friend yelled “Not his face. He’s so hot!” and then yelped in great surprise as his sword hand was swiftly chopped off.

Your daddy ain't here!

Your daddy ain’t here!

“BUT THAT’S HIS IDENTITY” – she yelled. Oh yes, indeed. The Kingslayer is about to embark on a serious change of character and it’s going to be amazing if it’s anything like the books. As we cut to the credits we are left only with Jamie’s howl of pain and the Hold Steady singing “The Bear and the Maiden Fair.” SHIT JUST GOT REAL Y’ALL!!

Thanks for reading. Sorry last weeks episode was written up. Brem and I sort of didn’t communicate well and so episode 2 might not ever get a recap. I hope you can forgive us — or just read another recap of it somewhere else.