Tag Archives: Arya

S3E5 – Here’s My Number, So Call Me Jamie

7 May

I am doing this week’s recap a little differently because I am really struggling with the timeliness of getting the blog out after episodes. I get extremely overwhelmed by the amount of plot covered in the episodes this season. It seems like a hundred things are happening at once and I can never remember them and then I freak out and have to watch again. So this week I am going to talk about the things that I really want to talk about instead of re-hashing the plot. I hope you are cool with the change-up.

Jon Snow and Ygritte

To say I was looking forward to their bang sesh would be a gross understatement. George RR Martin doesn’t write particularly sexy sex scenes but the one stand-out in the books is the sex between Jon and Ygritte in the cave. It’s passionate and emotional and super hot. Like, I think I need cigarette afterwards and I’m going dog ear the page and come back to that later kind of hot. So let’s say my expectations were high and not met.

We haven’t had a lot Jon and Ygritte time on the show this season and so I felt like there was no sexual tension building. Last season they were the focus of a few episodes and her playful teasing of the virginal Snow was funny and sexy. But it just seemed out of the blue that all of a sudden we are back beyond the wall and Ygritte just decides to steal Jon’s sword and run into a cave. Of course he chases her in, but when she drops her furs and gets naked, it seems abrupt. There’s no foreplay, no urgency.

And Jon succumbs really quickly. I mean, I know Ygritte is hot and sassy, but it just seems sort of out of character that all of a sudden he’s going to give up his vows. In the books it’s made clear that having sex with Ygritte is necessary because people are beginning to think it’s strange they aren’t doing it and that makes the wildlings question Jon’s allegiance.

If he is humping one of their own then it’s more believable that he is a free man since he isn’t keeping his vow. In the books, Jon hits it but the sex is so hot that he can’t help himself and then winds up falling in love with Ygritte. It’s sweet and sexy and their cave scene is touching and hot, but on the show — I’m gonna say it, “meh”.

I wanted to love this scene but I didn’t even get to see Jon Snow’s abs. C’mon HBO — we see tits all the time and I can’t get an extended ass or abs shot of Kit Harrington? Bullshit. Also, it just wasn’t working for me. I needed more of a Jon and Ygritte connection though I do love that they included what we’ll call “The Lords Kiss” moment — get it Ygritte. If this is the only sex scene we get between these two, Imma be real pissed. But yeah. Didn’t need a cigarette after all, bummer.

Jamie and Brienne

Jamie Lannister was the MVP of this episode. First, he is taken in front of Lord Bolton and even though I am disgusted by the twincest between Cersei and Jamie it shows how loyal he is that he immediately asks if she is okay and alive. Cersei does not deserve this sort of love and devotion. Bolton tells Jamie that Cersei is safe and Stannis’s rebellion was put down. Jamie reminds Bolton that his family is very rich and that he may be fighting for the losing side. Also, if someone doesn’t fix his stump, he’s going to die of infection. He’s not wrong. That thing is nasty as hell.

He goes to see Bolton’s maester who tells him it may be best to just cut off the whole arm. Jamie refuses and tells him he can just cut away the infected skin. The ex-maester tells him it’s going to hurt and Jamie replies that he’ll scream. Once again we are given a scene of Jamie going through unbearable pain and it’s pretty awful. After the cutting sesh they allow Jamie to go soak in the tubs and clean up since he’s seriously disgusting at this point.

When Jamie arrives he finds that Brienne is already soaking in a tub as well. She flinches as Jamie skips the first tub in order to get in one with her and she even tells him there are other tubs. Jamie is still a total scamp and walks around all hot and naked and showing it off in front of virginal Brienne. Props to HBO for showing some hot man ass. Jamie gets in the tub but stays in the corner while Brienne hangs in the other corner.

Jamie is being Jamie and provokes Brienne to the point where she stands up full on naked and stares him down. She pauses just for a second when realizes what she is naked in front of the kingslayer but she stands her ground and stares him down as he did to her. It’s fucking great. Also, Brienne has a pretty nice body considering how the book describes her as the ugliest person ever. Howevs, we totes can see that Jamie is taking it in. FUTURE ROMANCE PLEASE, GEORGE RR MARTIN!

After Brienne calms down, Jamie delivers what is the best monologue of the night and possibly of the season so far explaining how he became the kingslayer. Nikolaj Coster-Waldau really fucking knocks it out of the park. I was watching it with two other people and we were absolutely mesmerized by his story, as was Brienne.

He tells the tale of the mad king loving to watch people burn and how he had to stand back while jars of wildfyre were placed all over the city and innocent lords, ladies, families, and supposed enemies burned at the request of Mad King Aerys. When it became too much and the kingdom rebelled against the insanity, the Lannister army showed up at the gates of the city to kill the king.

Jamie tried to talk him into surrendering, he knew the Lannisters and Baratheons would prevail, but Aerys was crazy. He told Jamie to bring him his own father’s head. When things became desperate Jamie begged him to surrender again and the mad king just told his pyromancer to set the whole city on fire using the wildfyre he had placed all over the grounds.

Aerys would sooner watch thousands of innocent people die before he surrendered. Jamie tells this story near tears. Hell, even Brienne is near tears for him. What would you do if you knew thousands of innocent people and your father would die if you let this crazy man get his way? So Jamie took his sword and slew the king.

Jamie didn’t want glory or power and he wasn’t trying to usurp the throne – he just decided that killing one person (one he was sworn to protect) was worth it to save the lives of thousands. Ned Stark was the one who found him with the blood of Aerys on his sword and because Ned didn’t like the Lannisters and likely found Jamie to be cocky, he assumed that Jamie was trying to take the throne.

So the name Kingslayer was given. Ned Stark didn’t understand and Jamie was too proud to ever speak up. He broke his oath, but he knows he did the right thing. When Brienne asks why he didn’t speak up, it seemed obvious how painful it was to admit that it seemed no one would believe his word over the great Ned Stark’s.

The heat of the baths, the emotion of the story, the likely raging fever Jamie had from infection cause him to stand up and keel over. When Brienne yells “Kingslayer” and rushes to his aid without thinking twice, he tells her “Call me Jamie” as she holds him in her arms. And then my heart breaks and I wish silently that they get it on at least once in the series. Sigh. Jamie. Also, I am seriously considering writing a GoT parody song called “Call Me Jamie” to the tune of “Call Me Maybe”. Wouldn’t that be amazing?

Can I say one more time that scene was the hands down best of the night? Because seriously. Chills.

One of the Scenes that That Made Me Cry (Yeah, I said “one of”, get over it)…

Gendry and Arya

There was a sweet goodbye scene between Gendry and Arya that I loved. My friends I debated how far apart in age they were — we think about four years — an acceptable amount for marriage one day. While saying goodbye, Gendry tells Arya that he is staying with the Brotherhood without Banners where he has never had to serve anyone. He’s going to be a smith for them and he will help fight.

Arya tells him to come with her and he says that she has family. She has brothers, a sister, and a mother but Arya tells him he can be her family. He gives her a look that is heartbreaking (he is so damn hot) and says “You’d be my lady.” Sigh. I know he means that she is of royal blood and she would be his Lady but in my heart of hearts, I also love the idea of her being his actual lady – Styx style. I mean, he IS half Baratheon and Arya wouldn’t give a fuck ’bout marrying a bastard. However, because I have read the books, I know there are other things in store for Arya. Sigh.

There are a few choice Arya scenes this week. The episode opens with an epic fight between the Hound and Berric Dondarion that includes fire and crazy cave fighting. It was really intense and awesome. The Hound even catches on fire before he slices Dondarrion down the middle. As soon as Berric falls, the red priest Thoros comes in to chant over him and brings him back to life. Arya and the Hound are completely gobsmacked.

The Hound is free to go but is told the lord of light isn’t through with him yet and then Berric eventually explains to Arya later that night that he has died at least six times now but Thoros brings him back afterwards. Arya heartbreakingly asks if Thoros can bring back a man with no head. I cried again. Get over it.

Thoros explains that it doesn’t work that way and then Berric tells her that every time he comes back he comes back as less of who he was. Arya doesn’t care, she’d take her father any way she could get him. She also learns that the Brotherhood is planning on taking her to Riverrun to reunite with her family. At least there is that. Poor Arya!


Ugh. This story bores me already. Basically the Karstarks murder the Lannister captives and in return Robb has to dole out justice and kill the Karstarks (kin and important allies). Doing the right thing always seems to fuck people on this show and it seems pretty obvious that all of these “noble” choices Robb is making (like cutting off the head of his kinsman) is leading to a shitshow of a disaster. Lots of annoying talking in these scenes. Basically, I’m over it.

At Kings Landing

Tyrion and Lady Oleanna (Grandma Tyrell is the best) have a funny and frank discussion about the wedding and finances and Lannister/Tyrell relations. It’s full of sass and zingers as one might expect of a conversation between two of the show’s smartest and wittiest characters. I loved all of it and in the end, Tyrion gets Lady Oleanna to foot the bill for half of the wedding. One of my friends correctly stated “If she were thirty years younger Tyrion would have a raging boner for her.”Agreed.

One of the final scenes of the episode features Cersei and Tyrion having a meeting with their father. It seems that Tywin has gotten wind of the plotting between Varys and Lady Oleanna to arrange to have Sansa Stark marry Loras Tyrell. In order to keep the balance of power in favor of the Lannisters, Tywin arranges it that Tyrion must marry young Stansa and therefore guarantee the North for their future generations.

It’s awful and Tyrion is genuinely disgusted and sad that his father would stoop so low and shit so much on the happiness of himself and the young girl for power. Cersei just sits there and smiles like the queen bitch she is.

UNTIL…Cersei also finds out she will be marrying the heir to Highgarden, Loras Tyrell. Cersei objects to being used again as a breeding mare for future Lannisters but her father tells her she has no choice. All of sudden both Tyrion and Cersei are betrothed and their power is taken away from them by their pops. I almost felt bad for Cersei when she got the news, except she basked so gloriously in Tyrion’s terrible predicament that I had a hard time. Either way, the Lannister children seem pretty fucked at this point.

At Dragonstone

Stannis Baratheon is wrestling with the decisions he has made with his life and goes to see his wife to confess his infidelity. In a truly fucking creepy scene (yes, there are fetuses floating in formaldehyde) his crazed wife tells him she knows he is banging Melisandre but that it is an honor to her. She knows it is in the name of the Lord of Light. YIKES. Stannis goes to his daughter (adorable despite her greyface) and is really awkward with her, but it’s still kind of cute.

The last scene in this episode that made me cry was Shireen (Stannis’s little girl) going to see her friend Davos, the Onion Knight, in jail. It almost seems like the Onion Knight was more of a dad to her than her own. When she visits him she begins to teach him how to read and my heart grew three times it’s size like the Grinch’s on Christmas Day. Cue waterworks. DAMN IT.

Over the Narrow Sea

Khaleesi meets her unsullied and gives them new names. It’s cool. She is still awesome and rocking some great casual wear — so much better than the days of boiled leather with the Khal.

Jorah and Barristan have a conversation about loyalty and ruling and it is hinted that Barristan knows that Jorah has been up to something. Jorah senses this and the whole conversation is very loaded. This will definitely come into play later on. But in the meantime, let’s just bask in the glory of two hot old dudes riding around a dessert on horses. Thank you.

That’s all folks. I am done. Sorry this isn’t really comprehensive but I enjoy it more when I write about the shit I was loving instead of giving a play by play of the action. I’m going to remain a week late on these since I am heading off to Korea tomorrow night and brainstorming lyrics to “Call Me Jamie”.

GoT S3E4 – A Dragon is Not a Slave!

30 Apr

WOW. I mean, seriously, FUCKING WOW. I know that Game of Thrones, even in its less than stellar episodes, will always entertain me but I forgot how a truly great episode leaves your jaw on the floor and your eyes misty. This was one of those episodes. It was jam packed with action and featured a major death, an escape, many wonderful conversations and secrets, and uprising that still has me smiling days after. There is much to discuss so let’s get down to it. Off to Westeros and beyond.


Jamie and Brienne

Is there any sight sadder Jamie’s hand just dangling around his neck? To top it off he looks like he is going to fall off his horse and Brienne is giving him such sad and pitying looks. Jamie does indeed fall off of his horse and face down into the mud. It’s awful to watch. The once mighty Kingslayer is now reduced to drinking horse piss and retching in a muddy pit. Yes, horse piss. Jamie is feverish and thirsty and Locke pours water on his face but then gives him horse piss to drink. VOM.

The behanded and forlorn Jamie Lannister.

The behanded and forlorn Jamie Lannister.

Brienne’s facial reactions are just heartbreaking. She knows how much Jamie has lost and she also knows he saved her. After being humiliated, Jamie manages to pull a sword and puts up an admirable fight with his left hand (Brienne jumps off her horse and tries to help too) before being bested by Locke and his men. He has lost his identity, the one thing that made him truly special.

Later that night as Jamie sits around the fire with Brienne he tells her he wants to die and refuses to eat. She tells him that he has only tasted a small dose of reality and to stop being such a woman about it all. Buck up and get revenge Jamie! Her shaming of him for folding just because he lost his hand is enough to make him start eating and thinking. She is the best!

Obvi Jamie's true love. Get on board George RR Martin

Obvi Jamie’s true love. Get on board George RR Martin

Brienne also tells Jamie she knows he saved her and asks him why. She doesn’t get her answer but I think it’s safe to say this is the beginning of a beautiful (and complicated) friendship. Also, the GoT coupling of my dreams. Let’s make this happen GRR Martin.


Man, shit is a mess for Theon. He thinks his sister’s friend is leading him to safety and confesses his sins against the Starks on the way. Theon is saying he betrayed his real family and that his true father lost his head on the steps of Baelor. Even though Theon has been a total shit, it’s hard to not feel an inkling of sympathy for him when he is saying this. The supposed helper picks the lock into the castle and leads Theon…RIGHT BACK TO THE TORTURE ROOM.

A real Bastard!

A real Bastard!

I knew this was coming as I know what a sadistic fucker the “helper” is from the books. Poor Theon. I sort of hope we really don’t see him for the next two seasons much like in the book. He’s sorry and he’s about to pay for all of his sins times a million. I have no desire to see it happen though. I’m not a sadist.

At Kings Landing


So much Varys this week. I loved it. I enjoy Varys enough in the books but on the screen he really comes to life and has become one of my favorite characters to watch interact with others. We finally get the story of how he became a eunuch and how he bided his time, learned the value of secrets and has worked his way up, waiting for his revenge. The sorcerer in the box completely terrified me but I also was happy Varys was getting his revenge on the creepy fucker.

Just a sorcerer in a box.

Just a sorcerer in a box.

This whole story told to Tyrion is important because it tells us how much Varys hates magic and because he talks about how he does what he does to protect the realm. Not the Lannisters, not the Starks, but the realm. Varys is a complicated character but his motivations are laid bare before us in this conversation.

Varys also has a hilarious conversation with Ros about Podrick’s prowess in the sack. Apparently he is so amazing that the girls couldn’t even explain what happened. What’s going on here? Does Pod have two dicks or something? Ros is becoming quite the intel asset as she passes on to Varys that Littlefinger has secured fancy boat accommodation for two to the Vale and thinks he is planning to bring Sansa with him. Creepy.

I wanna gossip with these two. Sit at my lunch table you guys!

I wanna gossip with these two. Sit at my lunch table you guys!

Everything about their conversation is amazing but I especially loved Oleanna saying that Sansa was nice but dull (TRUTH). Varys reveals Littlefinger’s plan to take Sansa with him to the Vale and what a potential Stark/Littlefinger pairing could mean. He likes Littlefinger but suspects he’d “Burn the North to the ground just to be king of the ashes” and tells Lady Oleanna that such a man can’t be trusted with such power. Together they conspire to set up Sansa with Loras — a match beneficial to both House Stark and House Martell (except poor Sansa has no clue she’d be a beard for our Loras).

Best old broad ever. Such a lady boner for her.

Best old broad ever. Such a lady boner for her.

Lady Olenna also has a choice scene with Cersei where they discuss their children while Joffrey and Margaery are touring the sept/crypts. She gets a few choice digs in at Cersei and I feel as though I could watch Lady Oleanna bantering with every character on this show for a whole season. She knows Cersei is feeling insecure about losing Joff and being replaced by Margaery and is twisting the knife. Sooo good.


The tv version of Margaery is an example of a character really coming to life in a way that I have loved. In the book you are never quite sure of her motivations and she is painted as more of an opportunistic gold digger than a complex character since she isn’t a POV character. On the show she comes across as crafty and opportunistic but also as warm, funny, intelligent and slightly terrified of what she will be navigating within the Red Keep. She knows she has walked in a viper’s nest and is trying to figure out the most peaceful way to exist there.

Master Manipulator

Master Manipulator

She has begun to understand what makes Joffrey tick and plays to his love of violence, his pride, his desire for power, and his lust. She convinces him that the people love him and makes him step outside with her to wave to his subjects. Because the people love Margaery, they will in turn accept Joff. Joff begins to wave and feels the love wash over him. He can get on board with this sort of thing because he is an egomaniac. Margaery is shades of Eva Peron and Princess Di in this and it’s brilliant.

The Princess Di of Westeros

The Princess Di of Westeros

Sadly there are no good bitchface competitions or sniping between Cersei and Margaery this week BUT we do get a scene where we see Margaery joking with Sansa (Porridge Plague! HA! Sansa, you are so dumb) this week. Margaery (no doubt from the instruction of her grandmother) encourages Sansa to begin thinking about Loras for a husband. Sansa’s heart nearly skips a beat because this has been her dream. Sansa, you are so dumb (said in the voice of Antoine Dodson).


In addition to her scene with the Lady Oleanna, Cersei has a great moment with Tywin that features the most epic burn. Cersei asks her father to do more to recover Jamie and bring him back to the Red Keep. Her father shuts it down and tells her that if he was willing to start a war for Tyrion’s life then you better believe he is doing everything he can to save his favorite child.

The most epic of bitchfaces!

The most epic of bitchfaces!

Cersei also takes this meeting as an opportunity to tell her father that just because she is a woman doesn’t mean he can’t confide in her so she may help him and contribute. Tywin responds and says “Okay, contribute. And it’s not because you are a woman. It’s because you aren’t half as smart as you think you are.” Then he tells her to rein in her idiot son. She tells him that he should give it a try and responds with a cold and amazing “I WILL.” FUCK YEAH! The fall of Cersei has begun.

Beyond the Wall

All hell breaks loose after another man of watch dies from apparent starvation. The half dead and starving men of the Nights Watch are all under extreme stress and decide it’s time to kill Craster and sack his house for food and hos. Of course the honorable Old Bear tries to stop the rebellion before Craster is killed and ends up getting a sword through the back.

The nastiest. Not mad you're dead.

The nastiest. Not mad you’re dead.

I guess this would all be shocking if they hadn’t foreshadowed the unrest in the Watch and how much of a douche rocket the dude who kills Commander Mormont is. Mormont keeps fighting even with a sword through his back and nearly kills his assailant. In the midst of the chaos Sam finds Gilly and tells her they have to run away if they are going to survive. She argues a little but then bundles her baby and follows our favorite cowardly fatty into the cold wild. Sam and Gilly: The Incredible Journey, begins.


The Hound is taken before the Brotherhood Without Banners and awaits his judgement. In an interesting speech he claims all he ever did was protect who he was sworn to protect (King Joffrey) and anything bad he did was in the name of this duty. The Hound hated his brother and makes it sound like he never murdered out of menace but out of duty. He’s just a pawn in the game.

Love her.

Love her.

Arya steps forth and claims that he murdered the butcher’s boy in the first season or book. That boy was innocent and the Hound knew it. He was following Joffrey’s orders and didn’t feel an ounce of remorse for killing an innocent kid just to help Joffrey get back at Arya.

Arya’s screams of murder mean that the Brotherhood will try The Hound but in an interesting turn of events they allow a trial by battle against the returned leader of the Brotherhood – the one eyed (and pretty sexy) Berric Dondarrion. The next epi will start with a trial by battle.

Saving the best for last


Was there a more exhilarating last five minutes of a Game of Thrones episode ever?!? I happy cried and almost flipped a table. The thing is that I knew the whole time that Dany could speak High Valyrian and understood what the slaver was saying, but it didn’t make it any less awesome when she finally addressed the Unsullied in her mother tongue as she took the whip and handed over her unruly dragon.



I am getting chills just writing about this and it happened over a week ago. The look of shock on everyone’s face is classic.  The look on Creepy Ben Kingsley’s face as he realizes what is happening is epic. After he calls her a bitch and tells her that she needs to control the dragon she gives the best speech.  “A DRAGON IS NOT A SLAVE!! I am Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen of the blood of Old Valyria. Valyrian is my mother tongue.” SHUT IT DOWN BITCH!

Dany then orders the unsullied to kill all of the slave owners but not to harm any child and she orders Drogon to blast CBK with a fireball. AMAZING. After the slaughter the Unsullied stand in formation and Dany surveys the scene. Her eyes are so intense and awesome and Emilia Clarke just kills it so hard in this whole sequence.

But WE are not men.

But WE are not men.

Dany addresses the Unsullied army before her and informs them that she will enslave no one. The Unsullied are free to go and no harm will come to them. No one moves. Then she asks if they will fight for her as free men and I get chills and start weeping a little. It’s silent for the briefest of moments and then one spear hits the ground and soon all of the Unsullied are banging their spears for the Mother of Dragons and freer of slaves. HELL YES! I was so overcome at this moment that I screamed “GET IT!!” at the computer screen and then just totally laughed/cried.

Drop the mic Stormborn! WERK!

Drop the mic Stormborn! WERK!

As Dany rides away for Astaphor she does one more incredibly bad ass thing and drops the whip like she is fucking dropping a mic. I. CAN’T. HANDLE. THIS. Dany Targaryen has become the bad ass we all knew she could be. The Mother of Dragons has finally come to play and I love it. BEST EVER!

Sorry this is a week late yet again. I am finding there is so much to unpack after each episode that I need to watch again and I still don’t think I remember everything that happened. I am going to go to a different format for the latest episode so check for that later this week. Thanks for reading!

GoT S3E3 The Bear and the Maiden Fair

21 Apr

Now that’s what I’m talking about! Action, excitement, power plays, and an insanely amazing final 30 seconds of television. I stated in my episode one review that the first two episodes of each new season usually drag a bit. You feel as though you are watching someone set up dominoes and all you can think about is how you can’t wait for that moment when someone pushes on the first one and sets in motion the rapid and exciting collapse.


Book 3 is my favorite of the series and even though they are splitting the book into two seasons, I can safely say that so much happens in this book that we are headed for a roller coaster of action, emotion, drama, and violence. Prepare yourself for a wild ride for the remainder of the season. SO without further rambling – let’s go to Westeros!

Beyond The Wall

I am going to say this about the happenings beyond the wall as of right now — BORING. First we have Jon Snow, Mance Rayder and company stumbling upon what looks to be  a sacrifice of horse parts from The Craft. They realize that many men of the Nights Watch have been killed and turned by the white walkers, which makes the urgency of the wildlings mission to storm the Wall much more immediate. Mance sends Jon and other ahead to scout the wall so that war may begin, but not much else happens there.

Not psyched about storming the castle.

Not psyched about storming the castle.

The Nights Watch crew arrives at Crasters Keep where Craster continues to be the creepiest dude of all time as he threatens to shut up his daughter/wife’s labor pains by punching her in the face. He also teases Sam for being fat to the degree that Sam flees the cottage to find Gilly pushing out a little baby boy. We know from last season that a boy means he will be left out for the walkers as a sacrifice since Craster only wants to keep girls for doing his chores and banging. Things don’t look good for Gilly’s lil’ guy.

Astapor (Slavers Bay)

I have been looking forward to Dany becoming more of a badass queen after she was utterly useless last season. She now has both Barristan Selmy and Jorah Mormont on her side and she is ready to make a deal for her army. She walks the slavers walk of punishment and as she sees men chained up and dying in the sun you can sense her finally realizing that there are people who have suffered and do suffer far more than she ever has and ever will. She asks Jorah and Barristan for their counsel regarding the purchase of the unsullied and then heads to her meeting with the disgusting slave owner (who I’d like to refer to as creepy Ben Kingsley forevermore).

But WE are not men.

But WE are not men.

Dany tells creepy Ben Kingsley (CBK) she wants all of the unsullied and he basically laughs in her face as she can’t afford such a thing. He does the math for her and then asks how she is going to pay for everything. She offers a dragon. (GASP! Okay, not really – I’ve read the books). Barristan and Jorah both try to talk sense to her in front of CBK and she swats them away.

The slaver demands two dragons but she also smacks him down and says he can have the biggest dragon and she will take all of the unsullied, including the half trained boys, AND she’ll take CBK’s translator Missandei as a sign of good faith on the pact. DAMN DANY — way to bargain like a queen.



Let’s just say it, bitch totally owned it in this scene. As she exits the meeting and the men try to make her reconsider she really lets it fly and tells them NEVER TO QUESTION HER IN FRONT OF OTHERS AGAIN — unless they’d no longer like to be in her service. Atta’ girl.

When Missandei says “Valor Margholis” to her she responds in the most kick ass way possible – “Yes, all men must die, but WE are not men.” CHILLS. She is being the queen we knew she was meant to be since she emerged from the flames with her baby dragons. Get it Khaleesi!


Catelyn Stark’s father has died and is being sent down the river in a viking funeral. What a fitting introduction to the fuckwit Edmure Tully (her little bro) and Brynden “Blackfish” Tully (her dashing and no bullshit uncle). This show is brilliant because in just one wordless scene we see what an ineffective oaf Edmure is (bitch can’t even fire a flaming arrow at his father’s funeral pyre) and how the Blackfish must push him out of the way and save the day. I love how the Blackfish shot the arrow and didn’t even need to look that it hit because he knew. SWAGGER!

Edmure = douche rocket

Edmure = douche rocket

Back at the castle our suspicions of Edmure being a total shit are confirmed when we find out he’s been taking men out on pointless attacks against the Lannister army in an effort to bring himself glory. Both the Blackfish and Rob chastise him supremely harshly and finally it seems that the show is sort of letting us know exactly how fucked Robb Stark is. Things aren’t looking great for the King in the North.

Catelyn also gets in a nice sad scene talking about her dad and how she used to wait for him to come home from war by the window and wonders if Bran and Rickon did the same for her. She tells Blackfish she is sure they are dead but he makes her promise to keep pretending for Robb’s sake.

Get a load of this idiot one more time.

Get a load of this idiot one more time.

Robb’s wife also gets a scene which makes me find her slightly less annoying as she tells a young captured Lannister that her husband only turns into a wolf on full moons after the boy asks if the rumors are true that he turns into a wolf and eats his captives. For being a pretty lame character, I thought this was kind of funny and at least offers a bit of insight into why Robb would completely fuck up his cause and break his pact with the Freys just to marry this chick.

The Red Keep/Kings Landing

I’ll be damned if I didn’t laugh the hardest at the scene where Tywin sets up his chairs for the council meeting on one side of the table while he sits at the head. It’s little power plays like this that just crack me up. Littlefinger and Varys enter the chamber and only look at each other, raise their eyebrows, and take seats.

The Lannister children won’t stand for this and when Cersei enters the room she pulls a chair from the side of the table and then plunks it down next to her father. I don’t know why this was so amusing – but I could watch Cersei’s bitch faces and power playing ways all damn day. Tyrion enters the room and instead of pulling a chair closer to his father, he takes a chair and pulls it to the opposite end of the table, as far away from Cersei and Tywin as possible. After Tywin’s shitty treatment of Tyrion he definitely deserves this non-verbal bitch slap.

The best.

Sooo good.

What we don’t see coming though (okay, I did because I have read the books) is that Littlefinger  is moving to the Vale to woo and marry Lysa Arryn and there is a vacancy for master of coin. Tywin gives Tyrion the job, much to the half man’s chagrin. Tyrion soon learns that all Littlefinger has been doing is borrowing millions and millions from the bank of Braavos and this can not end well. Yikes.

In lighter and more hilairous news – Podrick Payne is an animal in the sack. As repayment for saving his life and being a loyal squire Tyrion and Bronn purchase Pod several whores to swipe his v-card. Podrick’s eyes are as big as saucers as the ladies do gymnastic moves and touch up on him. Tyrion leaves a pouch of money and tells Pod to have a good time on him.

Bobcat in the sack

Bobcat in the sack

Pod returns to Tyrion’s room where Bronn and Tyrion are hanging out and plunks Tyrion’s money down on the table. Apparently Pod was such a champ in sheets that the whores didn’t want his money. Hilarious. Who knew? Bronn and Tyrion make him pull up a seat and tell them his secrets. Bro bonding at the Keep! Love it.


Arya only gets one (adorable) scene this week, but damn if it didn’t break my heart a little. The Brotherhood without Banners are taking Gendry and Arya with them on the road but Hot Pie is being left behind to bake at the inn after they discovered he makes amazing bread. I am sure Hot Pie is more than a little relieved at this news but is going to miss his only friends.

Together one last time.

Together one last time.

The goodbye is totally preshy because Hot Pie bakes Arya a loaf of bread shaped like a wolf. Maybe because I was watching this with three others chicks – but there was a collective “Awwww” in the room after this scene. Arya and Gendry wave goodbye to their portly friend and Arya takes a bite of the bread as they trot off and yells back “It’s really good.” Man, I love that girl.


Theon is aided by a man he considers to be a friend of his sister in his escape from the torture chamber. He flees but finds he is quickly hunted by four men on horseback. It’s obvious the wounded Theon is no match for them but as he is about to be killed, the four men are shot down with a crossbow and killed. Theon’s savior is the same man who helped him escape. As the last man is dying he looks at his murderer and mutters “You bastard.” If Theon’s savior is who I think he is, this is pretty hilarious. More on that in later episodes.

And because I save the best for last…

Brienne and Jamie

The Maid of Tarth and the Kingslayer have been captured by some rogue Bolton bannermen and it’s bad news bears all around. As the two (adorably sitting on the same horse – more fodder for my fan fic) are being lead through the woods, Jamie brings up some unpleasant conversation. Jamie is worth a hefty ransom and the favor of the King of the North (or lots of gold from the Lannisters – depending on what these rogue bannermen decide), but Brienne is worthless to them.

Tied together, back to back - my favorite couple

Tied together, back to back – my favorite couple

Jamie tells Brienne this and he also tells her she is going to be gang raped most likely. He tells her not to fight and just imagine something else. Of course he knows she will fight and she will also die because of it. The look of fear on Brienne’s face is just heartbreaking. Brienne tells Jamie she’s going to fight – what else can she do. She’ll die before she lets that happen. She asks Jamie what he’d do and he responds that he’d fight to the death too — except he knows he’ll never know that fear since he is a man. Awful.

Two badass mofos

Two badass mofos

Later that night as Jamie is being tied to a tree and Brienne is starting to fight off the men – Jamie does something that starts his path into being one of the show’s more noble characters. Even though he doesn’t have to do it – he lies and tells the leader (Locke) that Brienne is worth a hefty ransom as she comes from the Isle of Sapphires. He is fairly cocky during the exchange and tells the man they’ll only get a reward if she is returned “unbesmirched”. The look of pride on Jamie’s face at his lie and his big boy vocabulary word is completely epic.

The best.

The best.

Locke calls off the raping of the maid and Jamie has saved her honor and her life, though he had no reason to. She is tied against the tree across from him and the look of gratefulness and confusion she has when looking at Jamie is pretty wonderful. She doesn’t understand but must assume that he has struck a deal for her. Jamie is feeling so confident about his persuasive powers that he tries to get the men to free him, promising Lannister riches for all. And for a brief moment we think this man has taken the bait. Jamie is untied and brought to the fire, presumably to have dinner with the men.

You just had to get cocky didn't you?

You just had to get cocky didn’t you?

Jamie shoots Brienne a look like “I got this” and starts walking toward the campfire. In a harrowing final minute of the show – Jamie is pressed down on a tree stump like a chopping block. He is taunted and reminded “You’re nothing without your daddy, and your daddy ain’t here.” As I was watching this and the blade was traced over Jamie’s eye, my one friend yelled “Not his face. He’s so hot!” and then yelped in great surprise as his sword hand was swiftly chopped off.

Your daddy ain't here!

Your daddy ain’t here!

“BUT THAT’S HIS IDENTITY” – she yelled. Oh yes, indeed. The Kingslayer is about to embark on a serious change of character and it’s going to be amazing if it’s anything like the books. As we cut to the credits we are left only with Jamie’s howl of pain and the Hold Steady singing “The Bear and the Maiden Fair.” SHIT JUST GOT REAL Y’ALL!!

Thanks for reading. Sorry last weeks episode was written up. Brem and I sort of didn’t communicate well and so episode 2 might not ever get a recap. I hope you can forgive us — or just read another recap of it somewhere else.