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Things I Thought While Watching the Oscars

25 Feb

Hey everyone, so I know this is a bit late but because I was at work in Japan while the Oscars were live, I had to follow the ceremony via tweets and live blogs. Did I tear up a little bit when J-Law won best actress? Yes, yes I did. Did I gag on my tea when I realized that Anne Hathaway is probably going to make Gary Marshall re-issue new Princess Diaries DVDs with a name change to ACADEMY AWARD WINNER Anne Hathaway on them? Affirmative. So after I came home and made myself some fajitas and poured a glass of wine – I decided to blog all my random thoughts of the Awards ceremony. For those of you who prefer my less wordy blog entries – then this is for you.

Things I Couldn’t Stop Thinking About During the Oscars:

  • Samuel Jackson in red velvet smoking jacket ftw!
  • Robert Downey Jr. didn’t clap for Seth MacFarlane. My love for RDJ grows even more.
  • I had to take my first sip of wine less than three seconds in when a Tommy Lee Jones comment was made. Damn it.
He's smiling. You should have had to finish a drink for this.

He’s smiling. You should have had to finish a drink for this.

  • Wait — they ‘themed’ the Oscars? What is this? A spring fling sorority mixer? Just hand out the fucking award.
  • Emanuelle Riva is adorable. I’d like her to be my French grandma.
  • Seth MacFarlane’s openning monologue is making me uncomfortable. Slavery jokes? Really dude?
  • First J-Law camera cut of the night. DRINK!
Telling Seacrest what the deal is before the show. Love her.

Telling Seacrest what the deal is before the show. Love her.

  • I’m going to hate myself for saying this but is Seth MacFarlane kind of attractive or is the wine talking already? I think he is boning Daenerys from Game of Thrones in real life – so I can’t be 100% off base on this right?
Am I drunk or is he sort of attractive until he opens his mouth?

Am I drunk or is he sort of attractive until he opens his mouth?

  • Also MacFarlane’s voice is pretty nice.
  • Charlize Theron — you are the best. That was the ultimate Dancing with the Stars audition.
  • Is Channing Tatum really impressive or am I more impressed by him because he looks like a guy you knew in high school who was totally hot but dumb as a fucking brick so when I see Channing Tatum I automatically have low expectations?


  • Too many weird racist comments. Wtf dude?
  • Joseph Gordon-Levitt – my crush on you increases. Can you please be in a musical soon?
Look at JGL in the back. This is for you Brem!

Look at JGL in the back. This is for you Brem!

  • GOD, this opening monologue is PAINFULLY long and all about Seth MacFarlane and not about the movies or people. UGH!
  • Philip Seymour Hoffman brought his little son who a total mini me of his dad. Can’t decided if it’s adorable or creepy.
  • Yep, still have the hots for Christoph Waltz. I’m okay with this.
Sexy Austrian beast.

Sexy Austrian beast.

  • Cuts to Jack Nicholson, J-Law and De Niro. I’m getting drunk.
Thanks Jack.

Thanks Jack.

  • Even though I am pissed Wreck It Ralph lost – I really enjoy that the guy who won for Brave wore a kilt. Get it dude!
  • After Brave wins the camera cuts to ginger Jessica Chastain and her ginger mom. Coincidence? I wonder if my mom was rooting for gingers to win last night…they look out for each other.
  • Quvenzhane Wallis is just the cutest — flexing her arms after the best picture montage. Love it.
Hushpuppy is the cutest!

Hushpuppy is the cutest!

  • Continual drinking for the riff on Wallis’s age. DAMN IT DRINKING GAME!
Check out her puppy purse! It really doesn't get cuter than this!

Check out her puppy purse! It really doesn’t get cuter than this!

  • The cinematographer for Life of Pi totally deserved to win. I haven’t seen a more visually stunning movie in my life. It was a feast for the eyes. If it’s still playing in theaters where you are, I could not recommend it more.
  • Everytime Ang Lee fist pumps I love him even more.
  • Playing the Jaws theme to play people off is tacky as hell. Terrible.
  • Bond tribute was pointless except for Shirley Bassey belting out some Goldfinger. Homegirl still rocks the shit out of it.
  • How can there still be another 2 hours of this show? Jesus. Good thing I’m kind of drunk. Patting myself on the back for my drinking game.
  • Jennifer Garner’s dress does not belong next to Jessica Chastain’s. Chastain – you brought it tonight – maybe my favorite dress of the night.
Ginger-y perfection

Ginger-y perfection

  • Musical tribute thoughts – not sure why the Oscars are themed but 1) DAMN – Catherine Zeta-Jones is still hot. Also, she should seriously consider cutting her hair like that for realsies 2) FUUUUUUUUUUUCK. JENNIFER HUDSON IS A GODDESS! Seriously, I kept yelling “DAMN” while she sang. I would not want to follow her. She has the voice of an angel – a powerhouse vocally gifted angel. Even Jack Nicholson was like “Da-yum” during the standing O. 3) Seeing Hugh Jackman on the stage makes me wish he was hosting again. He was the best. And that chest. Anne Hathway came out and ruined it for me. But Eddie Redmayne brought me back. But then Russell Crowe came out and ruined it again. Womp womp.
  • Is it the wine talking or are a lot of dudes with really long hair winning tonight? Is that a thing? Maybe De Niro should have grown a mullet.
  • That Sound of Music gag was turrrrible.


  • Did Anne Hathaway have a heart attack when Christopher Plummer started with “Miss” instead of just “Anne..” Also, I have a massive old man crush on Plummer.
  • Ugh. Anne Hathaway’s speech. How long do you think she rehearsed saying “It came true” in her bathroom mirror. We all knew you were going to win — it’s okay to act like you knew it too. DDL knew he was going to win and he was charming and hilarious. Hathaway – 0 DDL – 1
  • Anne Hathaway’s husband is a poor man’s Ryan Gosling.
Poor man's Gosling.

Poor man’s Gosling.

  • There has been a lot of Oscar clutching. I am drunk. Thanks drinking game.
  • J-Law introducing Adele — it’s like my two best friends together on stage at the Oscars. Love them both.
  • Adele’s hair is perfection. It’s like soft golden waterfalls. Her hair and make-up are flawless. She is flawless.
You're amazing. And perfect.

You’re amazing. And perfect.

  • Nicole Kidman is looking fly. Seriously – she is so hit or miss at these events but tonight is a hit in my opinion. Work those sequins you Aussie Amazon!(Can you guys tell I’m drunk right now?? haha)
  • Did someone kick Kristen Stewart in the shins and beat the fuck out of her before she came out to present? Brush your hair hippie — this is the fucking Oscars!
Buzz, your girlfriend. Woof.

Buzz, your girlfriend. Woof.

  • Clooney — you smolder. Stay golden.
  • Is that REALLY Barbara?!?! Good god, the BEST. She’s like buttah. A giant stick of buttah! I feel like I’m in a gay man’s fever dream. First J. Hud,  then Hugh Jackman, Adele, and now Babs. Good lord, I love it.
Eternally Babs.

Eternally Babs.

  • What the hell happened to Renee Zelleweger’s face? A combination of too much botox combined with copious amounts of coke? Damn. Especially looking harsh compared to the lovely Queen, Catherine Zeta and the dapper Richard Gere. Also — did Catherine Zeta-Jones always have a rack that big?


  • God, I fucking love Adele. She is perfection. And I love that when she opens her mouth to speak that cockney accent comes out. And she called her husband her man and started to cry in the cutest way. I wish Adele could give every acceptance speech. She is also now half way to an EGOT!
  • Charlize Theron is the most attractive laugher ever. I mean, seriously.
Charlize - you are adorbs.

Charlize – you are adorbs.

  • I love Tarantino but the man looks like a mess. Did he sleep in that tux? On the other hand, his speech was great and he ended with a peace out. Love it. Love him.
  • Jane Fonda looks great. I wonder if she still does her aerobic workouts in sweet 80s gear.
  • Ang Lee is adorable. I saw Life of Pi on Saturday and he absolutely deserved that award and that standing ovation. It was a film making masterpiece! Also, his wife is amazing too!
  • JENNIFER LAWRENCE FOREVER AND EVER. In case you can’t hear it – my heart just exploded with joy. I’ve never been so excited for a stranger in my life. And that fall — goofy and perfect – and the recovery was amazing. She looked genuinely shocked and breathless and was perfect. God, I just fucking love her.


  • Daniel Day Lewis looked surprisingly emotional after winning. And his speech was funny and warm and classy. Also, he looks pretty damn fine in a tux.
  • Michelle Obama — looking good FLOTUS. Classy dame as always.
  • Ben Affleck  – you magnificent son of a bitch. I just cried at the end of your speech — especially when your voice broke when you dedicated the win to your kids. You are adorable and I am so glad you won something.
Congrats Ben!

Congrats Ben!

  • The ending with Kristen Chenowith and Seth MacFarlane was really weird. Good thing I’m drunk for this.

Thanks for reading. I’m off to take Tylenol, drink water and furiously google all things Jennifer Lawrence.

Best Dresses – 1) Jessica Chastain 2) Naomi Watts (some people hated it, but I loved it!) 3) Charlize Theron 4) Nicole Kidman 5) Sandra Bullock

Worst Dresses  – 1) Jennifer Garner 2) Kristen Stewart 3) Kerry Washington 4) Anne Hathaway 5) Zoe Saldana

Obligatory Oscar Post and Drinking Game

23 Feb

Hey everyone – in case you aren’t like me and don’t endlessly surf entertainment websites in your free time then I must inform you that the Superbowl of culture, the Academy Awards, are this Sunday. Last year was the first year of my life that I was unable to watch the telecast live while eating fancy cheese, drinking wine, rewinding the best speeches and then calling my sister to talk about who’s dress was totally ah-mahzing. I was depressed knowing that I was going to miss this event and so I didn’t watch many of the nominees, didn’t read magazine articles predicting winners and front-runners and pretended like it wasn’t happening.


Because I live in Japan, I find I do this a lot. It’s less painful to just pretend the Oscars, March Madness, and Christmas simply don’t exist than to know they exist and I am not participating in them. But that’s no way to live your life and I felt a huge void after my self-imposed Oscar strike last year. So this year I have come back with a score to settle like my name is Django. I have watched all of the best pictures nominees (with the exception of The Life of Pi which I am seeing on Saturday as per Brem’s recommendation), all of the nominated performances and now I can bring you my obligatory Will Win/Should Win blog post. You’re welcome.

Best Picture – This race is down to two frontrunners at this point — Argo and Lincoln. I saw and thoroughly enjoyed both of these movies and was very surprised on both accounts. Both of these plots sound like history lessons that I would totally want to sleep through on paper but in actuality they were full of suspense (though in very different ways), intelligent, interesting, funny (Not like Will Ferrell funny, but like NPR clever funny), and had some great performances.

If I am going to be perfectly honest, I think enjoyed Argo just slightly more than Lincoln but I was more surprised by how much I enjoyed Lincoln.I’m not usually big on historical fiction films, but Spielberg (and most importantly – Daniel Day Lewis) fucking nailed it. It was a highly entertaining history lesson with a great performances and script.

There were many other nominees I really loved. I thought Beasts of the Southern Wild was unique and beautifully done and that no movie would break my heart more than Amour did. And Silver Linings Playbook boasted an excellent ensemble and was one of the more enjoyable 2 hours I spent watching a movie this year.

Will Win – Argo. Apparently a lot of voters are pissed because Ben Affleck wasn’t nominated for best director (and yes, he should have been) and so now the good will for Ben (get it “good will”?) and the movie will arrive in a best picture win for Argo.

Nominee for sexiest beard in a movie.

Nominee for sexiest beard in a movie.

Should Win – Lincoln or Silver Linings Playbook. I really enjoyed Argo a ton, but I think Lincoln was the better overall movie. It was funny, engaging, had a huge cast of talented actors, a great script, and a tour de force perfomance by DDL. Also Brem’s favorite boy, Joseph Gordon Levitt, was in it. And Silver Linings Playbook was the movie I most enjoyed watching just for the entertainment and heart of it.


Wish it was nominated – The Impossible — seriously — great performances from the leads and a truly terrifying and great movie – I think people were afraid to see it because of the subject matter and that is too damn bad, Perks of Being a Wallflower – great script, excellent young cast, and an incredibly real and moving look at the high school years, Moonrise Kingdom – My favorite Wes Anderson movie since Rushmore.

Best Actor

I don’t think I need to or want to talk about the other performances in this category because Daniel Day Lewis owns this shit. His Abraham Lincoln is absolutely mesmerizing and it carries the movie. Of course he has great actors to bounce off and work with – but really – I think I could probably watch DDL read the phone book as Lincoln and be pretty damn amazed.

Will Win – Daniel Day Lewis for Lincoln


Should Win – Daniel Day Lewis for Lincoln

Wish They Were Nominated – Tom Holland for The Impossible. He and Naomi Watts totally owned this movie, I don’t care if he is a teenager — he definitely gave an amazing performance that gave me chills, John Hawkes – The Sessions – he gave one of the most moving and funniest performances of the year in a movie that could have been awful but ended up to be beautiful. And he did it while in an iron lung or laying down. A real shame he wasn’t nominated.

Best Actress

This category is full of fabulous performances. At first it seemed liked it was Jessica Chastain’s to lose but I have to say that she actually gives my least favorite performance in this category. Her character was too elusive, there wasn’t enough for me to get attached to. And this doesn’t have to do with Chastain, who I think is a lovely and talented actress who will certainly win an Oscar or two in her time, but more with the fact that the other women just deliver so much more.

Although Naomi Watts is a very long shot she was so alive and electrifying in The Impossible and Quvenzhane Wallis turned in the type of performance that I think only an innocent child could pull off – completely lacking artificiality and extremely raw – she made me want to name a baby Hushpuppy. Emanuelle Riva broke my heart into a thousand pieces in Amour – even more so because in the past ten years I watched both of my grandmothers fall quickly in decline via Alzheimers and cancer.

Why didn't this movie get more attention?

Why didn’t this movie get more attention?

But for my money the best performance of the year was given by Jennifer Lawrence. Now, I know I’ve written about my best friend obsession with Jlaw in the blog before – but see this movie and you’ll know what I’m talking about. I feel like the movie didn’t start until she walked into the frame. She is sexy, messy, vulnerable, funny, tragic, and a complete fucking revelation. Her Tiffany in Silver Linings Playbook is the standout performance of the film (that is filled with great performances) – just watch the scene where she takes down De Niro and tell me she doesn’t deserve that gold, bald man! Also – how great is her speech going to be if she wins? I know this shouldn’t factor in, but damn — the girl gives a funny speech.

Jlaw and B Coop - you are both amazing.

Jlaw and B Coop – you are both amazing.

Will Win – (fingers crossed) J-Law for Silver Linings Playbook (though apparently Riva, who celebrates her 86th birthday on Sunday is nipping at her heels)

Should Win – JLaw – I don’t care that people are saying that Riva should win since she is 86 and this is her last shot and that Lawrence is 22 and will surely be nominated many more times. We should reward to the performance of the year — and to me — that’s future celebrity bff — Jlaw.

Wish They Were Nominated – Can’t think of anyone here. They pretty much nailed this category.

Best Supporting Actor

This is also an extremely tight race though I find myself less than invested since every guy in this category already has an Oscar and with the exception of De Niro – acquired said Oscar in the best 10 years. I liked all of the performances in this category but I think Christoph Waltz felt more like a lead than a supporting character. Full disclosure – I have a mad hot crush on Waltz — it can’t be explained.

I sort of hate this category because the person who I think gave the best performance is the one I sort of hope doesn’t win because his speech will be dry and horrible and he seems like a dick in real life — Mr. Tommy Lee Jones. Jones is great in Lincoln, funny, feisty and everything he is seemingly not when I see him being interviewed.


Jones is great – but I sort of hope that Robert De Niro wins even though I think Jones was better. I love De Niro but he definitely had been phoning it in for years so I was really surprised to see him bring such emotion and life to his character in Silver Linings Playbook.There is also something about him that kind of reminds me of my dad — they don’t look alike – but there is just something. Anyway, cheering for De Niro, won’t hate it if Alan Arkin wins because his speech will be great, but I sense Jones will walk away the winner.

Will Win – Tommy Lee Jones for Lincoln – He will also give the most boring speech ever and I will not watch it.

Should Win – I’m going to go with my heart (not my head) and say Robert De Niro for Silver Linings Playbook.

De Niro

Should Have Been Nominated – Ezra Miller – The Perks of Being a Wallflower — the kid totally destroyed it and reminds me of a young Robert Downey Junior. I look forward to seeing where he goes next in his career. The guy playing Hushpuppy’s dad in Beasts of the Southern Wild.

Best Supporting Actress

Anne Hathaway has pretty much locked this up and started practicing her super fake surprised face and her humble “it’s an honor to be in this category of women” speech (stop acting shocked you won – you’ve been sweeping the category this awards season). I don’t hate Hathaway by any means, in fact I thought she should have won Best Actress for Rachel Getting Married,  but I think this performance is WAY over-hyped. Sure she did the song live and in one take, but I didn’t feel that merits an award. I don’t know how buzz gets started or how it just became a foregone conclusion that she’d win, but I think it sucks.


For my money – the very best and perhaps the gutsiest performance of the year was given by Helen Hunt in The Sessions. If you’ve seen the movie then I have to remind you of that scene where she breaks down in the car after seeing Mark for their last session. She knocks it out the park. I know the likely runner up to Hathaway would be Sally Field – who delivered a great and sassy turn as Mrs. Lincoln – but I think her performance is getting runner-up status because everyone loves a come back and Sally Field is a beloved two time Academy Award winner. But I’m telling you – see The Sessions and then tell me that Helen Hunt isn’t the bad damn performance in this category.

Will Win – Anne Hathaway for Les Miserables – (PS – She gave a better performance as the sexy and morally ambiguous Selina Kyle in final Batman movie)

Should Win – Helen Hunt – The Sessions

Easily one of the top five performances of the year in any category.

Easily one of the top five performances of the year in any category.

Should Have Been Nominated – I really thought Kayla Howard – (the little girl in Moonrise Kingdom)  was something else. I hope she keeps a level head and turns out like a Fanning instead of a Lohan.

Best Director – Everyone is still pretty pissed that Ben Affleck isn’t nominated (myself included) but there are some terrific nominees in this category. I think it’s between Ang Lee and Spielberg for this one with David O. Russell as the dark horse contender. I am seeing Life of Pi later this afternoon so I feel I can’t speak to this category except to say I’d be rooting for Affleck had he been nominated and until I see Life of Pi I think Spielberg is my pick to win.

Will Win – Spielberg for Lincoln

Should Win – Can’t say until I’ve seen Life of Pi — will fill you in later.

Oscars Drinking Gamemac

Drink anytime the following happens:

  • Seth MacFarlane uses a voice from Family Guy
  • When someone refers to Jennifer Lawrence as Jlaw

jlaw awards

  • Any time someone mentions Ben Affleck getting snubbed or Ben Affleck in general
  • When the camera cuts to Tommy Lee Jones’ unsmiling face


  • Anyone makes the “oh no you didn’t” face after MacFarlane rips on someone in his opening monologue
  • Every time someone says “It’s an honor to be nominated”
  • When the camera cuts to Jack Nicholson (if he is attending), Jennifer Lawrence, Ben Affleck, or Robert De Niro. I feel like they may be getting a lot of face time.


  • Someone mentions how old Quvenzhane Wallis or Emanuelle Riva are.
  • Someone mispronounces or makes a joke about mispronouncing “Quvenzhane”
  • Someone thanks Harvey Weinstein
  • When a person clutches the Oscar tightly and raises it in the air during a speech
My other celeb bff shows off proper Oscar clutching technique. Drank if you see this happen.

My other celeb bff shows off proper Oscar clutching technique. Drank if you see this happen.

What I’m Reading – Just finished two great books. The first one, The End of Your Life Book Club by Will Schwable, I have mentioned on the blog before. I finished it last week and full body sobbed into my pillow before going to bed. A book about death, life, and reading — I loved it and could not recommend it more if you are a lover of books. A great non-fiction read. I also just read The Silver Linings Playbook by Matthew Quick. I saw the movie before reading the book (something I usually avoid doing), but it didn’t ruin my enjoyment of the book at all. A rare case when the book and movie are very close in quality and enjoyment to each other. A funny, fast read.

What I’m Watching – The wedding episode of Parks and Recreation was just completely lovely. I cried literally (said in my Chris Traeger voice) three times. Particularly at the scenes between Ron and Leslie. This is the best ensemble comedy tv show on the air right now and this episode proves it with it’s heart and hilarity.

What I’m Listening To – Took Brem’s advice and avoided the new Local Natives album and instead have been feeling nostalgic and listening to their old album Gorilla Manor. I forgot what a great full album that way. There isn’t a song I skip when I am driving.

That’s all. Thanks for reading, thanks for liking this on facebook, passing it on to your friends, messaging us with your kind words, etc. We appreciate you guys!