S3E5 – Here’s My Number, So Call Me Jamie

7 May

I am doing this week’s recap a little differently because I am really struggling with the timeliness of getting the blog out after episodes. I get extremely overwhelmed by the amount of plot covered in the episodes this season. It seems like a hundred things are happening at once and I can never remember them and then I freak out and have to watch again. So this week I am going to talk about the things that I really want to talk about instead of re-hashing the plot. I hope you are cool with the change-up.

Jon Snow and Ygritte

To say I was looking forward to their bang sesh would be a gross understatement. George RR Martin doesn’t write particularly sexy sex scenes but the one stand-out in the books is the sex between Jon and Ygritte in the cave. It’s passionate and emotional and super hot. Like, I think I need cigarette afterwards and I’m going dog ear the page and come back to that later kind of hot. So let’s say my expectations were high and not met.

We haven’t had a lot Jon and Ygritte time on the show this season and so I felt like there was no sexual tension building. Last season they were the focus of a few episodes and her playful teasing of the virginal Snow was funny and sexy. But it just seemed out of the blue that all of a sudden we are back beyond the wall and Ygritte just decides to steal Jon’s sword and run into a cave. Of course he chases her in, but when she drops her furs and gets naked, it seems abrupt. There’s no foreplay, no urgency.

And Jon succumbs really quickly. I mean, I know Ygritte is hot and sassy, but it just seems sort of out of character that all of a sudden he’s going to give up his vows. In the books it’s made clear that having sex with Ygritte is necessary because people are beginning to think it’s strange they aren’t doing it and that makes the wildlings question Jon’s allegiance.

If he is humping one of their own then it’s more believable that he is a free man since he isn’t keeping his vow. In the books, Jon hits it but the sex is so hot that he can’t help himself and then winds up falling in love with Ygritte. It’s sweet and sexy and their cave scene is touching and hot, but on the show — I’m gonna say it, “meh”.

I wanted to love this scene but I didn’t even get to see Jon Snow’s abs. C’mon HBO — we see tits all the time and I can’t get an extended ass or abs shot of Kit Harrington? Bullshit. Also, it just wasn’t working for me. I needed more of a Jon and Ygritte connection though I do love that they included what we’ll call “The Lords Kiss” moment — get it Ygritte. If this is the only sex scene we get between these two, Imma be real pissed. But yeah. Didn’t need a cigarette after all, bummer.

Jamie and Brienne

Jamie Lannister was the MVP of this episode. First, he is taken in front of Lord Bolton and even though I am disgusted by the twincest between Cersei and Jamie it shows how loyal he is that he immediately asks if she is okay and alive. Cersei does not deserve this sort of love and devotion. Bolton tells Jamie that Cersei is safe and Stannis’s rebellion was put down. Jamie reminds Bolton that his family is very rich and that he may be fighting for the losing side. Also, if someone doesn’t fix his stump, he’s going to die of infection. He’s not wrong. That thing is nasty as hell.

He goes to see Bolton’s maester who tells him it may be best to just cut off the whole arm. Jamie refuses and tells him he can just cut away the infected skin. The ex-maester tells him it’s going to hurt and Jamie replies that he’ll scream. Once again we are given a scene of Jamie going through unbearable pain and it’s pretty awful. After the cutting sesh they allow Jamie to go soak in the tubs and clean up since he’s seriously disgusting at this point.

When Jamie arrives he finds that Brienne is already soaking in a tub as well. She flinches as Jamie skips the first tub in order to get in one with her and she even tells him there are other tubs. Jamie is still a total scamp and walks around all hot and naked and showing it off in front of virginal Brienne. Props to HBO for showing some hot man ass. Jamie gets in the tub but stays in the corner while Brienne hangs in the other corner.

Jamie is being Jamie and provokes Brienne to the point where she stands up full on naked and stares him down. She pauses just for a second when realizes what she is naked in front of the kingslayer but she stands her ground and stares him down as he did to her. It’s fucking great. Also, Brienne has a pretty nice body considering how the book describes her as the ugliest person ever. Howevs, we totes can see that Jamie is taking it in. FUTURE ROMANCE PLEASE, GEORGE RR MARTIN!

After Brienne calms down, Jamie delivers what is the best monologue of the night and possibly of the season so far explaining how he became the kingslayer. Nikolaj Coster-Waldau really fucking knocks it out of the park. I was watching it with two other people and we were absolutely mesmerized by his story, as was Brienne.

He tells the tale of the mad king loving to watch people burn and how he had to stand back while jars of wildfyre were placed all over the city and innocent lords, ladies, families, and supposed enemies burned at the request of Mad King Aerys. When it became too much and the kingdom rebelled against the insanity, the Lannister army showed up at the gates of the city to kill the king.

Jamie tried to talk him into surrendering, he knew the Lannisters and Baratheons would prevail, but Aerys was crazy. He told Jamie to bring him his own father’s head. When things became desperate Jamie begged him to surrender again and the mad king just told his pyromancer to set the whole city on fire using the wildfyre he had placed all over the grounds.

Aerys would sooner watch thousands of innocent people die before he surrendered. Jamie tells this story near tears. Hell, even Brienne is near tears for him. What would you do if you knew thousands of innocent people and your father would die if you let this crazy man get his way? So Jamie took his sword and slew the king.

Jamie didn’t want glory or power and he wasn’t trying to usurp the throne – he just decided that killing one person (one he was sworn to protect) was worth it to save the lives of thousands. Ned Stark was the one who found him with the blood of Aerys on his sword and because Ned didn’t like the Lannisters and likely found Jamie to be cocky, he assumed that Jamie was trying to take the throne.

So the name Kingslayer was given. Ned Stark didn’t understand and Jamie was too proud to ever speak up. He broke his oath, but he knows he did the right thing. When Brienne asks why he didn’t speak up, it seemed obvious how painful it was to admit that it seemed no one would believe his word over the great Ned Stark’s.

The heat of the baths, the emotion of the story, the likely raging fever Jamie had from infection cause him to stand up and keel over. When Brienne yells “Kingslayer” and rushes to his aid without thinking twice, he tells her “Call me Jamie” as she holds him in her arms. And then my heart breaks and I wish silently that they get it on at least once in the series. Sigh. Jamie. Also, I am seriously considering writing a GoT parody song called “Call Me Jamie” to the tune of “Call Me Maybe”. Wouldn’t that be amazing?

Can I say one more time that scene was the hands down best of the night? Because seriously. Chills.

One of the Scenes that That Made Me Cry (Yeah, I said “one of”, get over it)…

Gendry and Arya

There was a sweet goodbye scene between Gendry and Arya that I loved. My friends I debated how far apart in age they were — we think about four years — an acceptable amount for marriage one day. While saying goodbye, Gendry tells Arya that he is staying with the Brotherhood without Banners where he has never had to serve anyone. He’s going to be a smith for them and he will help fight.

Arya tells him to come with her and he says that she has family. She has brothers, a sister, and a mother but Arya tells him he can be her family. He gives her a look that is heartbreaking (he is so damn hot) and says “You’d be my lady.” Sigh. I know he means that she is of royal blood and she would be his Lady but in my heart of hearts, I also love the idea of her being his actual lady – Styx style. I mean, he IS half Baratheon and Arya wouldn’t give a fuck ’bout marrying a bastard. However, because I have read the books, I know there are other things in store for Arya. Sigh.

There are a few choice Arya scenes this week. The episode opens with an epic fight between the Hound and Berric Dondarion that includes fire and crazy cave fighting. It was really intense and awesome. The Hound even catches on fire before he slices Dondarrion down the middle. As soon as Berric falls, the red priest Thoros comes in to chant over him and brings him back to life. Arya and the Hound are completely gobsmacked.

The Hound is free to go but is told the lord of light isn’t through with him yet and then Berric eventually explains to Arya later that night that he has died at least six times now but Thoros brings him back afterwards. Arya heartbreakingly asks if Thoros can bring back a man with no head. I cried again. Get over it.

Thoros explains that it doesn’t work that way and then Berric tells her that every time he comes back he comes back as less of who he was. Arya doesn’t care, she’d take her father any way she could get him. She also learns that the Brotherhood is planning on taking her to Riverrun to reunite with her family. At least there is that. Poor Arya!


Ugh. This story bores me already. Basically the Karstarks murder the Lannister captives and in return Robb has to dole out justice and kill the Karstarks (kin and important allies). Doing the right thing always seems to fuck people on this show and it seems pretty obvious that all of these “noble” choices Robb is making (like cutting off the head of his kinsman) is leading to a shitshow of a disaster. Lots of annoying talking in these scenes. Basically, I’m over it.

At Kings Landing

Tyrion and Lady Oleanna (Grandma Tyrell is the best) have a funny and frank discussion about the wedding and finances and Lannister/Tyrell relations. It’s full of sass and zingers as one might expect of a conversation between two of the show’s smartest and wittiest characters. I loved all of it and in the end, Tyrion gets Lady Oleanna to foot the bill for half of the wedding. One of my friends correctly stated “If she were thirty years younger Tyrion would have a raging boner for her.”Agreed.

One of the final scenes of the episode features Cersei and Tyrion having a meeting with their father. It seems that Tywin has gotten wind of the plotting between Varys and Lady Oleanna to arrange to have Sansa Stark marry Loras Tyrell. In order to keep the balance of power in favor of the Lannisters, Tywin arranges it that Tyrion must marry young Stansa and therefore guarantee the North for their future generations.

It’s awful and Tyrion is genuinely disgusted and sad that his father would stoop so low and shit so much on the happiness of himself and the young girl for power. Cersei just sits there and smiles like the queen bitch she is.

UNTIL…Cersei also finds out she will be marrying the heir to Highgarden, Loras Tyrell. Cersei objects to being used again as a breeding mare for future Lannisters but her father tells her she has no choice. All of sudden both Tyrion and Cersei are betrothed and their power is taken away from them by their pops. I almost felt bad for Cersei when she got the news, except she basked so gloriously in Tyrion’s terrible predicament that I had a hard time. Either way, the Lannister children seem pretty fucked at this point.

At Dragonstone

Stannis Baratheon is wrestling with the decisions he has made with his life and goes to see his wife to confess his infidelity. In a truly fucking creepy scene (yes, there are fetuses floating in formaldehyde) his crazed wife tells him she knows he is banging Melisandre but that it is an honor to her. She knows it is in the name of the Lord of Light. YIKES. Stannis goes to his daughter (adorable despite her greyface) and is really awkward with her, but it’s still kind of cute.

The last scene in this episode that made me cry was Shireen (Stannis’s little girl) going to see her friend Davos, the Onion Knight, in jail. It almost seems like the Onion Knight was more of a dad to her than her own. When she visits him she begins to teach him how to read and my heart grew three times it’s size like the Grinch’s on Christmas Day. Cue waterworks. DAMN IT.

Over the Narrow Sea

Khaleesi meets her unsullied and gives them new names. It’s cool. She is still awesome and rocking some great casual wear — so much better than the days of boiled leather with the Khal.

Jorah and Barristan have a conversation about loyalty and ruling and it is hinted that Barristan knows that Jorah has been up to something. Jorah senses this and the whole conversation is very loaded. This will definitely come into play later on. But in the meantime, let’s just bask in the glory of two hot old dudes riding around a dessert on horses. Thank you.

That’s all folks. I am done. Sorry this isn’t really comprehensive but I enjoy it more when I write about the shit I was loving instead of giving a play by play of the action. I’m going to remain a week late on these since I am heading off to Korea tomorrow night and brainstorming lyrics to “Call Me Jamie”.

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