Things I Thought While Watching the Oscars

25 Feb

Hey everyone, so I know this is a bit late but because I was at work in Japan while the Oscars were live, I had to follow the ceremony via tweets and live blogs. Did I tear up a little bit when J-Law won best actress? Yes, yes I did. Did I gag on my tea when I realized that Anne Hathaway is probably going to make Gary Marshall re-issue new Princess Diaries DVDs with a name change to ACADEMY AWARD WINNER Anne Hathaway on them? Affirmative. So after I came home and made myself some fajitas and poured a glass of wine – I decided to blog all my random thoughts of the Awards ceremony. For those of you who prefer my less wordy blog entries – then this is for you.

Things I Couldn’t Stop Thinking About During the Oscars:

  • Samuel Jackson in red velvet smoking jacket ftw!
  • Robert Downey Jr. didn’t clap for Seth MacFarlane. My love for RDJ grows even more.
  • I had to take my first sip of wine less than three seconds in when a Tommy Lee Jones comment was made. Damn it.
He's smiling. You should have had to finish a drink for this.

He’s smiling. You should have had to finish a drink for this.

  • Wait — they ‘themed’ the Oscars? What is this? A spring fling sorority mixer? Just hand out the fucking award.
  • Emanuelle Riva is adorable. I’d like her to be my French grandma.
  • Seth MacFarlane’s openning monologue is making me uncomfortable. Slavery jokes? Really dude?
  • First J-Law camera cut of the night. DRINK!
Telling Seacrest what the deal is before the show. Love her.

Telling Seacrest what the deal is before the show. Love her.

  • I’m going to hate myself for saying this but is Seth MacFarlane kind of attractive or is the wine talking already? I think he is boning Daenerys from Game of Thrones in real life – so I can’t be 100% off base on this right?
Am I drunk or is he sort of attractive until he opens his mouth?

Am I drunk or is he sort of attractive until he opens his mouth?

  • Also MacFarlane’s voice is pretty nice.
  • Charlize Theron — you are the best. That was the ultimate Dancing with the Stars audition.
  • Is Channing Tatum really impressive or am I more impressed by him because he looks like a guy you knew in high school who was totally hot but dumb as a fucking brick so when I see Channing Tatum I automatically have low expectations?
Impressive.

Impressive.

  • Too many weird racist comments. Wtf dude?
  • Joseph Gordon-Levitt – my crush on you increases. Can you please be in a musical soon?
Look at JGL in the back. This is for you Brem!

Look at JGL in the back. This is for you Brem!

  • GOD, this opening monologue is PAINFULLY long and all about Seth MacFarlane and not about the movies or people. UGH!
  • Philip Seymour Hoffman brought his little son who a total mini me of his dad. Can’t decided if it’s adorable or creepy.
  • Yep, still have the hots for Christoph Waltz. I’m okay with this.
Sexy Austrian beast.

Sexy Austrian beast.

  • Cuts to Jack Nicholson, J-Law and De Niro. I’m getting drunk.
Thanks Jack.

Thanks Jack.

  • Even though I am pissed Wreck It Ralph lost – I really enjoy that the guy who won for Brave wore a kilt. Get it dude!
  • After Brave wins the camera cuts to ginger Jessica Chastain and her ginger mom. Coincidence? I wonder if my mom was rooting for gingers to win last night…they look out for each other.
  • Quvenzhane Wallis is just the cutest — flexing her arms after the best picture montage. Love it.
Hushpuppy is the cutest!

Hushpuppy is the cutest!

  • Continual drinking for the riff on Wallis’s age. DAMN IT DRINKING GAME!
Check out her puppy purse! It really doesn't get cuter than this!

Check out her puppy purse! It really doesn’t get cuter than this!

  • The cinematographer for Life of Pi totally deserved to win. I haven’t seen a more visually stunning movie in my life. It was a feast for the eyes. If it’s still playing in theaters where you are, I could not recommend it more.
  • Everytime Ang Lee fist pumps I love him even more.
  • Playing the Jaws theme to play people off is tacky as hell. Terrible.
  • Bond tribute was pointless except for Shirley Bassey belting out some Goldfinger. Homegirl still rocks the shit out of it.
  • How can there still be another 2 hours of this show? Jesus. Good thing I’m kind of drunk. Patting myself on the back for my drinking game.
  • Jennifer Garner’s dress does not belong next to Jessica Chastain’s. Chastain – you brought it tonight – maybe my favorite dress of the night.
Ginger-y perfection

Ginger-y perfection

  • Musical tribute thoughts – not sure why the Oscars are themed but 1) DAMN – Catherine Zeta-Jones is still hot. Also, she should seriously consider cutting her hair like that for realsies 2) FUUUUUUUUUUUCK. JENNIFER HUDSON IS A GODDESS! Seriously, I kept yelling “DAMN” while she sang. I would not want to follow her. She has the voice of an angel – a powerhouse vocally gifted angel. Even Jack Nicholson was like “Da-yum” during the standing O. 3) Seeing Hugh Jackman on the stage makes me wish he was hosting again. He was the best. And that chest. Anne Hathway came out and ruined it for me. But Eddie Redmayne brought me back. But then Russell Crowe came out and ruined it again. Womp womp.
  • Is it the wine talking or are a lot of dudes with really long hair winning tonight? Is that a thing? Maybe De Niro should have grown a mullet.
  • That Sound of Music gag was turrrrible.
WTF?

WTF?

  • Did Anne Hathaway have a heart attack when Christopher Plummer started with “Miss” instead of just “Anne..” Also, I have a massive old man crush on Plummer.
  • Ugh. Anne Hathaway’s speech. How long do you think she rehearsed saying “It came true” in her bathroom mirror. We all knew you were going to win — it’s okay to act like you knew it too. DDL knew he was going to win and he was charming and hilarious. Hathaway – 0 DDL – 1
  • Anne Hathaway’s husband is a poor man’s Ryan Gosling.
Poor man's Gosling.

Poor man’s Gosling.

  • There has been a lot of Oscar clutching. I am drunk. Thanks drinking game.
  • J-Law introducing Adele — it’s like my two best friends together on stage at the Oscars. Love them both.
  • Adele’s hair is perfection. It’s like soft golden waterfalls. Her hair and make-up are flawless. She is flawless.
You're amazing. And perfect.

You’re amazing. And perfect.

  • Nicole Kidman is looking fly. Seriously – she is so hit or miss at these events but tonight is a hit in my opinion. Work those sequins you Aussie Amazon!(Can you guys tell I’m drunk right now?? haha)
  • Did someone kick Kristen Stewart in the shins and beat the fuck out of her before she came out to present? Brush your hair hippie — this is the fucking Oscars!
Buzz, your girlfriend. Woof.

Buzz, your girlfriend. Woof.

  • Clooney — you smolder. Stay golden.
  • Is that REALLY Barbara?!?! Good god, the BEST. She’s like buttah. A giant stick of buttah! I feel like I’m in a gay man’s fever dream. First J. Hud,  then Hugh Jackman, Adele, and now Babs. Good lord, I love it.
Eternally Babs.

Eternally Babs.

  • What the hell happened to Renee Zelleweger’s face? A combination of too much botox combined with copious amounts of coke? Damn. Especially looking harsh compared to the lovely Queen, Catherine Zeta and the dapper Richard Gere. Also — did Catherine Zeta-Jones always have a rack that big?
Yikes!

Yikes!

  • God, I fucking love Adele. She is perfection. And I love that when she opens her mouth to speak that cockney accent comes out. And she called her husband her man and started to cry in the cutest way. I wish Adele could give every acceptance speech. She is also now half way to an EGOT!
  • Charlize Theron is the most attractive laugher ever. I mean, seriously.
Charlize - you are adorbs.

Charlize – you are adorbs.

  • I love Tarantino but the man looks like a mess. Did he sleep in that tux? On the other hand, his speech was great and he ended with a peace out. Love it. Love him.
  • Jane Fonda looks great. I wonder if she still does her aerobic workouts in sweet 80s gear.
  • Ang Lee is adorable. I saw Life of Pi on Saturday and he absolutely deserved that award and that standing ovation. It was a film making masterpiece! Also, his wife is amazing too!
  • JENNIFER LAWRENCE FOREVER AND EVER. In case you can’t hear it – my heart just exploded with joy. I’ve never been so excited for a stranger in my life. And that fall — goofy and perfect – and the recovery was amazing. She looked genuinely shocked and breathless and was perfect. God, I just fucking love her.
ACADEMY AWARD WINNER JENNIFER LAWRENCE Y'ALL!

ACADEMY AWARD WINNER JENNIFER LAWRENCE Y’ALL!

  • Daniel Day Lewis looked surprisingly emotional after winning. And his speech was funny and warm and classy. Also, he looks pretty damn fine in a tux.
  • Michelle Obama — looking good FLOTUS. Classy dame as always.
  • Ben Affleck  – you magnificent son of a bitch. I just cried at the end of your speech — especially when your voice broke when you dedicated the win to your kids. You are adorable and I am so glad you won something.
Congrats Ben!

Congrats Ben!

  • The ending with Kristen Chenowith and Seth MacFarlane was really weird. Good thing I’m drunk for this.

Thanks for reading. I’m off to take Tylenol, drink water and furiously google all things Jennifer Lawrence.

Best Dresses – 1) Jessica Chastain 2) Naomi Watts (some people hated it, but I loved it!) 3) Charlize Theron 4) Nicole Kidman 5) Sandra Bullock

Worst Dresses  – 1) Jennifer Garner 2) Kristen Stewart 3) Kerry Washington 4) Anne Hathaway 5) Zoe Saldana

Advertisements

One Response to “Things I Thought While Watching the Oscars”

  1. Jenn February 25, 2013 at 3:59 pm #

    Kristen Stewart was most definitely on drugs. Weirdo.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: