S3E5 – Here’s My Number, So Call Me Jamie

7 May

I am doing this week’s recap a little differently because I am really struggling with the timeliness of getting the blog out after episodes. I get extremely overwhelmed by the amount of plot covered in the episodes this season. It seems like a hundred things are happening at once and I can never remember them and then I freak out and have to watch again. So this week I am going to talk about the things that I really want to talk about instead of re-hashing the plot. I hope you are cool with the change-up.

Jon Snow and Ygritte

To say I was looking forward to their bang sesh would be a gross understatement. George RR Martin doesn’t write particularly sexy sex scenes but the one stand-out in the books is the sex between Jon and Ygritte in the cave. It’s passionate and emotional and super hot. Like, I think I need cigarette afterwards and I’m going dog ear the page and come back to that later kind of hot. So let’s say my expectations were high and not met.

We haven’t had a lot Jon and Ygritte time on the show this season and so I felt like there was no sexual tension building. Last season they were the focus of a few episodes and her playful teasing of the virginal Snow was funny and sexy. But it just seemed out of the blue that all of a sudden we are back beyond the wall and Ygritte just decides to steal Jon’s sword and run into a cave. Of course he chases her in, but when she drops her furs and gets naked, it seems abrupt. There’s no foreplay, no urgency.

And Jon succumbs really quickly. I mean, I know Ygritte is hot and sassy, but it just seems sort of out of character that all of a sudden he’s going to give up his vows. In the books it’s made clear that having sex with Ygritte is necessary because people are beginning to think it’s strange they aren’t doing it and that makes the wildlings question Jon’s allegiance.

If he is humping one of their own then it’s more believable that he is a free man since he isn’t keeping his vow. In the books, Jon hits it but the sex is so hot that he can’t help himself and then winds up falling in love with Ygritte. It’s sweet and sexy and their cave scene is touching and hot, but on the show — I’m gonna say it, “meh”.

I wanted to love this scene but I didn’t even get to see Jon Snow’s abs. C’mon HBO — we see tits all the time and I can’t get an extended ass or abs shot of Kit Harrington? Bullshit. Also, it just wasn’t working for me. I needed more of a Jon and Ygritte connection though I do love that they included what we’ll call “The Lords Kiss” moment — get it Ygritte. If this is the only sex scene we get between these two, Imma be real pissed. But yeah. Didn’t need a cigarette after all, bummer.

Jamie and Brienne

Jamie Lannister was the MVP of this episode. First, he is taken in front of Lord Bolton and even though I am disgusted by the twincest between Cersei and Jamie it shows how loyal he is that he immediately asks if she is okay and alive. Cersei does not deserve this sort of love and devotion. Bolton tells Jamie that Cersei is safe and Stannis’s rebellion was put down. Jamie reminds Bolton that his family is very rich and that he may be fighting for the losing side. Also, if someone doesn’t fix his stump, he’s going to die of infection. He’s not wrong. That thing is nasty as hell.

He goes to see Bolton’s maester who tells him it may be best to just cut off the whole arm. Jamie refuses and tells him he can just cut away the infected skin. The ex-maester tells him it’s going to hurt and Jamie replies that he’ll scream. Once again we are given a scene of Jamie going through unbearable pain and it’s pretty awful. After the cutting sesh they allow Jamie to go soak in the tubs and clean up since he’s seriously disgusting at this point.

When Jamie arrives he finds that Brienne is already soaking in a tub as well. She flinches as Jamie skips the first tub in order to get in one with her and she even tells him there are other tubs. Jamie is still a total scamp and walks around all hot and naked and showing it off in front of virginal Brienne. Props to HBO for showing some hot man ass. Jamie gets in the tub but stays in the corner while Brienne hangs in the other corner.

Jamie is being Jamie and provokes Brienne to the point where she stands up full on naked and stares him down. She pauses just for a second when realizes what she is naked in front of the kingslayer but she stands her ground and stares him down as he did to her. It’s fucking great. Also, Brienne has a pretty nice body considering how the book describes her as the ugliest person ever. Howevs, we totes can see that Jamie is taking it in. FUTURE ROMANCE PLEASE, GEORGE RR MARTIN!

After Brienne calms down, Jamie delivers what is the best monologue of the night and possibly of the season so far explaining how he became the kingslayer. Nikolaj Coster-Waldau really fucking knocks it out of the park. I was watching it with two other people and we were absolutely mesmerized by his story, as was Brienne.

He tells the tale of the mad king loving to watch people burn and how he had to stand back while jars of wildfyre were placed all over the city and innocent lords, ladies, families, and supposed enemies burned at the request of Mad King Aerys. When it became too much and the kingdom rebelled against the insanity, the Lannister army showed up at the gates of the city to kill the king.

Jamie tried to talk him into surrendering, he knew the Lannisters and Baratheons would prevail, but Aerys was crazy. He told Jamie to bring him his own father’s head. When things became desperate Jamie begged him to surrender again and the mad king just told his pyromancer to set the whole city on fire using the wildfyre he had placed all over the grounds.

Aerys would sooner watch thousands of innocent people die before he surrendered. Jamie tells this story near tears. Hell, even Brienne is near tears for him. What would you do if you knew thousands of innocent people and your father would die if you let this crazy man get his way? So Jamie took his sword and slew the king.

Jamie didn’t want glory or power and he wasn’t trying to usurp the throne – he just decided that killing one person (one he was sworn to protect) was worth it to save the lives of thousands. Ned Stark was the one who found him with the blood of Aerys on his sword and because Ned didn’t like the Lannisters and likely found Jamie to be cocky, he assumed that Jamie was trying to take the throne.

So the name Kingslayer was given. Ned Stark didn’t understand and Jamie was too proud to ever speak up. He broke his oath, but he knows he did the right thing. When Brienne asks why he didn’t speak up, it seemed obvious how painful it was to admit that it seemed no one would believe his word over the great Ned Stark’s.

The heat of the baths, the emotion of the story, the likely raging fever Jamie had from infection cause him to stand up and keel over. When Brienne yells “Kingslayer” and rushes to his aid without thinking twice, he tells her “Call me Jamie” as she holds him in her arms. And then my heart breaks and I wish silently that they get it on at least once in the series. Sigh. Jamie. Also, I am seriously considering writing a GoT parody song called “Call Me Jamie” to the tune of “Call Me Maybe”. Wouldn’t that be amazing?

Can I say one more time that scene was the hands down best of the night? Because seriously. Chills.

One of the Scenes that That Made Me Cry (Yeah, I said “one of”, get over it)…

Gendry and Arya

There was a sweet goodbye scene between Gendry and Arya that I loved. My friends I debated how far apart in age they were — we think about four years — an acceptable amount for marriage one day. While saying goodbye, Gendry tells Arya that he is staying with the Brotherhood without Banners where he has never had to serve anyone. He’s going to be a smith for them and he will help fight.

Arya tells him to come with her and he says that she has family. She has brothers, a sister, and a mother but Arya tells him he can be her family. He gives her a look that is heartbreaking (he is so damn hot) and says “You’d be my lady.” Sigh. I know he means that she is of royal blood and she would be his Lady but in my heart of hearts, I also love the idea of her being his actual lady – Styx style. I mean, he IS half Baratheon and Arya wouldn’t give a fuck ’bout marrying a bastard. However, because I have read the books, I know there are other things in store for Arya. Sigh.

There are a few choice Arya scenes this week. The episode opens with an epic fight between the Hound and Berric Dondarion that includes fire and crazy cave fighting. It was really intense and awesome. The Hound even catches on fire before he slices Dondarrion down the middle. As soon as Berric falls, the red priest Thoros comes in to chant over him and brings him back to life. Arya and the Hound are completely gobsmacked.

The Hound is free to go but is told the lord of light isn’t through with him yet and then Berric eventually explains to Arya later that night that he has died at least six times now but Thoros brings him back afterwards. Arya heartbreakingly asks if Thoros can bring back a man with no head. I cried again. Get over it.

Thoros explains that it doesn’t work that way and then Berric tells her that every time he comes back he comes back as less of who he was. Arya doesn’t care, she’d take her father any way she could get him. She also learns that the Brotherhood is planning on taking her to Riverrun to reunite with her family. At least there is that. Poor Arya!


Ugh. This story bores me already. Basically the Karstarks murder the Lannister captives and in return Robb has to dole out justice and kill the Karstarks (kin and important allies). Doing the right thing always seems to fuck people on this show and it seems pretty obvious that all of these “noble” choices Robb is making (like cutting off the head of his kinsman) is leading to a shitshow of a disaster. Lots of annoying talking in these scenes. Basically, I’m over it.

At Kings Landing

Tyrion and Lady Oleanna (Grandma Tyrell is the best) have a funny and frank discussion about the wedding and finances and Lannister/Tyrell relations. It’s full of sass and zingers as one might expect of a conversation between two of the show’s smartest and wittiest characters. I loved all of it and in the end, Tyrion gets Lady Oleanna to foot the bill for half of the wedding. One of my friends correctly stated “If she were thirty years younger Tyrion would have a raging boner for her.”Agreed.

One of the final scenes of the episode features Cersei and Tyrion having a meeting with their father. It seems that Tywin has gotten wind of the plotting between Varys and Lady Oleanna to arrange to have Sansa Stark marry Loras Tyrell. In order to keep the balance of power in favor of the Lannisters, Tywin arranges it that Tyrion must marry young Stansa and therefore guarantee the North for their future generations.

It’s awful and Tyrion is genuinely disgusted and sad that his father would stoop so low and shit so much on the happiness of himself and the young girl for power. Cersei just sits there and smiles like the queen bitch she is.

UNTIL…Cersei also finds out she will be marrying the heir to Highgarden, Loras Tyrell. Cersei objects to being used again as a breeding mare for future Lannisters but her father tells her she has no choice. All of sudden both Tyrion and Cersei are betrothed and their power is taken away from them by their pops. I almost felt bad for Cersei when she got the news, except she basked so gloriously in Tyrion’s terrible predicament that I had a hard time. Either way, the Lannister children seem pretty fucked at this point.

At Dragonstone

Stannis Baratheon is wrestling with the decisions he has made with his life and goes to see his wife to confess his infidelity. In a truly fucking creepy scene (yes, there are fetuses floating in formaldehyde) his crazed wife tells him she knows he is banging Melisandre but that it is an honor to her. She knows it is in the name of the Lord of Light. YIKES. Stannis goes to his daughter (adorable despite her greyface) and is really awkward with her, but it’s still kind of cute.

The last scene in this episode that made me cry was Shireen (Stannis’s little girl) going to see her friend Davos, the Onion Knight, in jail. It almost seems like the Onion Knight was more of a dad to her than her own. When she visits him she begins to teach him how to read and my heart grew three times it’s size like the Grinch’s on Christmas Day. Cue waterworks. DAMN IT.

Over the Narrow Sea

Khaleesi meets her unsullied and gives them new names. It’s cool. She is still awesome and rocking some great casual wear — so much better than the days of boiled leather with the Khal.

Jorah and Barristan have a conversation about loyalty and ruling and it is hinted that Barristan knows that Jorah has been up to something. Jorah senses this and the whole conversation is very loaded. This will definitely come into play later on. But in the meantime, let’s just bask in the glory of two hot old dudes riding around a dessert on horses. Thank you.

That’s all folks. I am done. Sorry this isn’t really comprehensive but I enjoy it more when I write about the shit I was loving instead of giving a play by play of the action. I’m going to remain a week late on these since I am heading off to Korea tomorrow night and brainstorming lyrics to “Call Me Jamie”.

GoT S3E4 – A Dragon is Not a Slave!

30 Apr

WOW. I mean, seriously, FUCKING WOW. I know that Game of Thrones, even in its less than stellar episodes, will always entertain me but I forgot how a truly great episode leaves your jaw on the floor and your eyes misty. This was one of those episodes. It was jam packed with action and featured a major death, an escape, many wonderful conversations and secrets, and uprising that still has me smiling days after. There is much to discuss so let’s get down to it. Off to Westeros and beyond.


Jamie and Brienne

Is there any sight sadder Jamie’s hand just dangling around his neck? To top it off he looks like he is going to fall off his horse and Brienne is giving him such sad and pitying looks. Jamie does indeed fall off of his horse and face down into the mud. It’s awful to watch. The once mighty Kingslayer is now reduced to drinking horse piss and retching in a muddy pit. Yes, horse piss. Jamie is feverish and thirsty and Locke pours water on his face but then gives him horse piss to drink. VOM.

The behanded and forlorn Jamie Lannister.

The behanded and forlorn Jamie Lannister.

Brienne’s facial reactions are just heartbreaking. She knows how much Jamie has lost and she also knows he saved her. After being humiliated, Jamie manages to pull a sword and puts up an admirable fight with his left hand (Brienne jumps off her horse and tries to help too) before being bested by Locke and his men. He has lost his identity, the one thing that made him truly special.

Later that night as Jamie sits around the fire with Brienne he tells her he wants to die and refuses to eat. She tells him that he has only tasted a small dose of reality and to stop being such a woman about it all. Buck up and get revenge Jamie! Her shaming of him for folding just because he lost his hand is enough to make him start eating and thinking. She is the best!

Obvi Jamie's true love. Get on board George RR Martin

Obvi Jamie’s true love. Get on board George RR Martin

Brienne also tells Jamie she knows he saved her and asks him why. She doesn’t get her answer but I think it’s safe to say this is the beginning of a beautiful (and complicated) friendship. Also, the GoT coupling of my dreams. Let’s make this happen GRR Martin.


Man, shit is a mess for Theon. He thinks his sister’s friend is leading him to safety and confesses his sins against the Starks on the way. Theon is saying he betrayed his real family and that his true father lost his head on the steps of Baelor. Even though Theon has been a total shit, it’s hard to not feel an inkling of sympathy for him when he is saying this. The supposed helper picks the lock into the castle and leads Theon…RIGHT BACK TO THE TORTURE ROOM.

A real Bastard!

A real Bastard!

I knew this was coming as I know what a sadistic fucker the “helper” is from the books. Poor Theon. I sort of hope we really don’t see him for the next two seasons much like in the book. He’s sorry and he’s about to pay for all of his sins times a million. I have no desire to see it happen though. I’m not a sadist.

At Kings Landing


So much Varys this week. I loved it. I enjoy Varys enough in the books but on the screen he really comes to life and has become one of my favorite characters to watch interact with others. We finally get the story of how he became a eunuch and how he bided his time, learned the value of secrets and has worked his way up, waiting for his revenge. The sorcerer in the box completely terrified me but I also was happy Varys was getting his revenge on the creepy fucker.

Just a sorcerer in a box.

Just a sorcerer in a box.

This whole story told to Tyrion is important because it tells us how much Varys hates magic and because he talks about how he does what he does to protect the realm. Not the Lannisters, not the Starks, but the realm. Varys is a complicated character but his motivations are laid bare before us in this conversation.

Varys also has a hilarious conversation with Ros about Podrick’s prowess in the sack. Apparently he is so amazing that the girls couldn’t even explain what happened. What’s going on here? Does Pod have two dicks or something? Ros is becoming quite the intel asset as she passes on to Varys that Littlefinger has secured fancy boat accommodation for two to the Vale and thinks he is planning to bring Sansa with him. Creepy.

I wanna gossip with these two. Sit at my lunch table you guys!

I wanna gossip with these two. Sit at my lunch table you guys!

Everything about their conversation is amazing but I especially loved Oleanna saying that Sansa was nice but dull (TRUTH). Varys reveals Littlefinger’s plan to take Sansa with him to the Vale and what a potential Stark/Littlefinger pairing could mean. He likes Littlefinger but suspects he’d “Burn the North to the ground just to be king of the ashes” and tells Lady Oleanna that such a man can’t be trusted with such power. Together they conspire to set up Sansa with Loras — a match beneficial to both House Stark and House Martell (except poor Sansa has no clue she’d be a beard for our Loras).

Best old broad ever. Such a lady boner for her.

Best old broad ever. Such a lady boner for her.

Lady Olenna also has a choice scene with Cersei where they discuss their children while Joffrey and Margaery are touring the sept/crypts. She gets a few choice digs in at Cersei and I feel as though I could watch Lady Oleanna bantering with every character on this show for a whole season. She knows Cersei is feeling insecure about losing Joff and being replaced by Margaery and is twisting the knife. Sooo good.


The tv version of Margaery is an example of a character really coming to life in a way that I have loved. In the book you are never quite sure of her motivations and she is painted as more of an opportunistic gold digger than a complex character since she isn’t a POV character. On the show she comes across as crafty and opportunistic but also as warm, funny, intelligent and slightly terrified of what she will be navigating within the Red Keep. She knows she has walked in a viper’s nest and is trying to figure out the most peaceful way to exist there.

Master Manipulator

Master Manipulator

She has begun to understand what makes Joffrey tick and plays to his love of violence, his pride, his desire for power, and his lust. She convinces him that the people love him and makes him step outside with her to wave to his subjects. Because the people love Margaery, they will in turn accept Joff. Joff begins to wave and feels the love wash over him. He can get on board with this sort of thing because he is an egomaniac. Margaery is shades of Eva Peron and Princess Di in this and it’s brilliant.

The Princess Di of Westeros

The Princess Di of Westeros

Sadly there are no good bitchface competitions or sniping between Cersei and Margaery this week BUT we do get a scene where we see Margaery joking with Sansa (Porridge Plague! HA! Sansa, you are so dumb) this week. Margaery (no doubt from the instruction of her grandmother) encourages Sansa to begin thinking about Loras for a husband. Sansa’s heart nearly skips a beat because this has been her dream. Sansa, you are so dumb (said in the voice of Antoine Dodson).


In addition to her scene with the Lady Oleanna, Cersei has a great moment with Tywin that features the most epic burn. Cersei asks her father to do more to recover Jamie and bring him back to the Red Keep. Her father shuts it down and tells her that if he was willing to start a war for Tyrion’s life then you better believe he is doing everything he can to save his favorite child.

The most epic of bitchfaces!

The most epic of bitchfaces!

Cersei also takes this meeting as an opportunity to tell her father that just because she is a woman doesn’t mean he can’t confide in her so she may help him and contribute. Tywin responds and says “Okay, contribute. And it’s not because you are a woman. It’s because you aren’t half as smart as you think you are.” Then he tells her to rein in her idiot son. She tells him that he should give it a try and responds with a cold and amazing “I WILL.” FUCK YEAH! The fall of Cersei has begun.

Beyond the Wall

All hell breaks loose after another man of watch dies from apparent starvation. The half dead and starving men of the Nights Watch are all under extreme stress and decide it’s time to kill Craster and sack his house for food and hos. Of course the honorable Old Bear tries to stop the rebellion before Craster is killed and ends up getting a sword through the back.

The nastiest. Not mad you're dead.

The nastiest. Not mad you’re dead.

I guess this would all be shocking if they hadn’t foreshadowed the unrest in the Watch and how much of a douche rocket the dude who kills Commander Mormont is. Mormont keeps fighting even with a sword through his back and nearly kills his assailant. In the midst of the chaos Sam finds Gilly and tells her they have to run away if they are going to survive. She argues a little but then bundles her baby and follows our favorite cowardly fatty into the cold wild. Sam and Gilly: The Incredible Journey, begins.


The Hound is taken before the Brotherhood Without Banners and awaits his judgement. In an interesting speech he claims all he ever did was protect who he was sworn to protect (King Joffrey) and anything bad he did was in the name of this duty. The Hound hated his brother and makes it sound like he never murdered out of menace but out of duty. He’s just a pawn in the game.

Love her.

Love her.

Arya steps forth and claims that he murdered the butcher’s boy in the first season or book. That boy was innocent and the Hound knew it. He was following Joffrey’s orders and didn’t feel an ounce of remorse for killing an innocent kid just to help Joffrey get back at Arya.

Arya’s screams of murder mean that the Brotherhood will try The Hound but in an interesting turn of events they allow a trial by battle against the returned leader of the Brotherhood – the one eyed (and pretty sexy) Berric Dondarrion. The next epi will start with a trial by battle.

Saving the best for last


Was there a more exhilarating last five minutes of a Game of Thrones episode ever?!? I happy cried and almost flipped a table. The thing is that I knew the whole time that Dany could speak High Valyrian and understood what the slaver was saying, but it didn’t make it any less awesome when she finally addressed the Unsullied in her mother tongue as she took the whip and handed over her unruly dragon.



I am getting chills just writing about this and it happened over a week ago. The look of shock on everyone’s face is classic.  The look on Creepy Ben Kingsley’s face as he realizes what is happening is epic. After he calls her a bitch and tells her that she needs to control the dragon she gives the best speech.  “A DRAGON IS NOT A SLAVE!! I am Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen of the blood of Old Valyria. Valyrian is my mother tongue.” SHUT IT DOWN BITCH!

Dany then orders the unsullied to kill all of the slave owners but not to harm any child and she orders Drogon to blast CBK with a fireball. AMAZING. After the slaughter the Unsullied stand in formation and Dany surveys the scene. Her eyes are so intense and awesome and Emilia Clarke just kills it so hard in this whole sequence.

But WE are not men.

But WE are not men.

Dany addresses the Unsullied army before her and informs them that she will enslave no one. The Unsullied are free to go and no harm will come to them. No one moves. Then she asks if they will fight for her as free men and I get chills and start weeping a little. It’s silent for the briefest of moments and then one spear hits the ground and soon all of the Unsullied are banging their spears for the Mother of Dragons and freer of slaves. HELL YES! I was so overcome at this moment that I screamed “GET IT!!” at the computer screen and then just totally laughed/cried.

Drop the mic Stormborn! WERK!

Drop the mic Stormborn! WERK!

As Dany rides away for Astaphor she does one more incredibly bad ass thing and drops the whip like she is fucking dropping a mic. I. CAN’T. HANDLE. THIS. Dany Targaryen has become the bad ass we all knew she could be. The Mother of Dragons has finally come to play and I love it. BEST EVER!

Sorry this is a week late yet again. I am finding there is so much to unpack after each episode that I need to watch again and I still don’t think I remember everything that happened. I am going to go to a different format for the latest episode so check for that later this week. Thanks for reading!

GoT S3E3 The Bear and the Maiden Fair

21 Apr

Now that’s what I’m talking about! Action, excitement, power plays, and an insanely amazing final 30 seconds of television. I stated in my episode one review that the first two episodes of each new season usually drag a bit. You feel as though you are watching someone set up dominoes and all you can think about is how you can’t wait for that moment when someone pushes on the first one and sets in motion the rapid and exciting collapse.


Book 3 is my favorite of the series and even though they are splitting the book into two seasons, I can safely say that so much happens in this book that we are headed for a roller coaster of action, emotion, drama, and violence. Prepare yourself for a wild ride for the remainder of the season. SO without further rambling – let’s go to Westeros!

Beyond The Wall

I am going to say this about the happenings beyond the wall as of right now — BORING. First we have Jon Snow, Mance Rayder and company stumbling upon what looks to be  a sacrifice of horse parts from The Craft. They realize that many men of the Nights Watch have been killed and turned by the white walkers, which makes the urgency of the wildlings mission to storm the Wall much more immediate. Mance sends Jon and other ahead to scout the wall so that war may begin, but not much else happens there.

Not psyched about storming the castle.

Not psyched about storming the castle.

The Nights Watch crew arrives at Crasters Keep where Craster continues to be the creepiest dude of all time as he threatens to shut up his daughter/wife’s labor pains by punching her in the face. He also teases Sam for being fat to the degree that Sam flees the cottage to find Gilly pushing out a little baby boy. We know from last season that a boy means he will be left out for the walkers as a sacrifice since Craster only wants to keep girls for doing his chores and banging. Things don’t look good for Gilly’s lil’ guy.

Astapor (Slavers Bay)

I have been looking forward to Dany becoming more of a badass queen after she was utterly useless last season. She now has both Barristan Selmy and Jorah Mormont on her side and she is ready to make a deal for her army. She walks the slavers walk of punishment and as she sees men chained up and dying in the sun you can sense her finally realizing that there are people who have suffered and do suffer far more than she ever has and ever will. She asks Jorah and Barristan for their counsel regarding the purchase of the unsullied and then heads to her meeting with the disgusting slave owner (who I’d like to refer to as creepy Ben Kingsley forevermore).

But WE are not men.

But WE are not men.

Dany tells creepy Ben Kingsley (CBK) she wants all of the unsullied and he basically laughs in her face as she can’t afford such a thing. He does the math for her and then asks how she is going to pay for everything. She offers a dragon. (GASP! Okay, not really – I’ve read the books). Barristan and Jorah both try to talk sense to her in front of CBK and she swats them away.

The slaver demands two dragons but she also smacks him down and says he can have the biggest dragon and she will take all of the unsullied, including the half trained boys, AND she’ll take CBK’s translator Missandei as a sign of good faith on the pact. DAMN DANY — way to bargain like a queen.



Let’s just say it, bitch totally owned it in this scene. As she exits the meeting and the men try to make her reconsider she really lets it fly and tells them NEVER TO QUESTION HER IN FRONT OF OTHERS AGAIN — unless they’d no longer like to be in her service. Atta’ girl.

When Missandei says “Valor Margholis” to her she responds in the most kick ass way possible – “Yes, all men must die, but WE are not men.” CHILLS. She is being the queen we knew she was meant to be since she emerged from the flames with her baby dragons. Get it Khaleesi!


Catelyn Stark’s father has died and is being sent down the river in a viking funeral. What a fitting introduction to the fuckwit Edmure Tully (her little bro) and Brynden “Blackfish” Tully (her dashing and no bullshit uncle). This show is brilliant because in just one wordless scene we see what an ineffective oaf Edmure is (bitch can’t even fire a flaming arrow at his father’s funeral pyre) and how the Blackfish must push him out of the way and save the day. I love how the Blackfish shot the arrow and didn’t even need to look that it hit because he knew. SWAGGER!

Edmure = douche rocket

Edmure = douche rocket

Back at the castle our suspicions of Edmure being a total shit are confirmed when we find out he’s been taking men out on pointless attacks against the Lannister army in an effort to bring himself glory. Both the Blackfish and Rob chastise him supremely harshly and finally it seems that the show is sort of letting us know exactly how fucked Robb Stark is. Things aren’t looking great for the King in the North.

Catelyn also gets in a nice sad scene talking about her dad and how she used to wait for him to come home from war by the window and wonders if Bran and Rickon did the same for her. She tells Blackfish she is sure they are dead but he makes her promise to keep pretending for Robb’s sake.

Get a load of this idiot one more time.

Get a load of this idiot one more time.

Robb’s wife also gets a scene which makes me find her slightly less annoying as she tells a young captured Lannister that her husband only turns into a wolf on full moons after the boy asks if the rumors are true that he turns into a wolf and eats his captives. For being a pretty lame character, I thought this was kind of funny and at least offers a bit of insight into why Robb would completely fuck up his cause and break his pact with the Freys just to marry this chick.

The Red Keep/Kings Landing

I’ll be damned if I didn’t laugh the hardest at the scene where Tywin sets up his chairs for the council meeting on one side of the table while he sits at the head. It’s little power plays like this that just crack me up. Littlefinger and Varys enter the chamber and only look at each other, raise their eyebrows, and take seats.

The Lannister children won’t stand for this and when Cersei enters the room she pulls a chair from the side of the table and then plunks it down next to her father. I don’t know why this was so amusing – but I could watch Cersei’s bitch faces and power playing ways all damn day. Tyrion enters the room and instead of pulling a chair closer to his father, he takes a chair and pulls it to the opposite end of the table, as far away from Cersei and Tywin as possible. After Tywin’s shitty treatment of Tyrion he definitely deserves this non-verbal bitch slap.

The best.

Sooo good.

What we don’t see coming though (okay, I did because I have read the books) is that Littlefinger  is moving to the Vale to woo and marry Lysa Arryn and there is a vacancy for master of coin. Tywin gives Tyrion the job, much to the half man’s chagrin. Tyrion soon learns that all Littlefinger has been doing is borrowing millions and millions from the bank of Braavos and this can not end well. Yikes.

In lighter and more hilairous news – Podrick Payne is an animal in the sack. As repayment for saving his life and being a loyal squire Tyrion and Bronn purchase Pod several whores to swipe his v-card. Podrick’s eyes are as big as saucers as the ladies do gymnastic moves and touch up on him. Tyrion leaves a pouch of money and tells Pod to have a good time on him.

Bobcat in the sack

Bobcat in the sack

Pod returns to Tyrion’s room where Bronn and Tyrion are hanging out and plunks Tyrion’s money down on the table. Apparently Pod was such a champ in sheets that the whores didn’t want his money. Hilarious. Who knew? Bronn and Tyrion make him pull up a seat and tell them his secrets. Bro bonding at the Keep! Love it.


Arya only gets one (adorable) scene this week, but damn if it didn’t break my heart a little. The Brotherhood without Banners are taking Gendry and Arya with them on the road but Hot Pie is being left behind to bake at the inn after they discovered he makes amazing bread. I am sure Hot Pie is more than a little relieved at this news but is going to miss his only friends.

Together one last time.

Together one last time.

The goodbye is totally preshy because Hot Pie bakes Arya a loaf of bread shaped like a wolf. Maybe because I was watching this with three others chicks – but there was a collective “Awwww” in the room after this scene. Arya and Gendry wave goodbye to their portly friend and Arya takes a bite of the bread as they trot off and yells back “It’s really good.” Man, I love that girl.


Theon is aided by a man he considers to be a friend of his sister in his escape from the torture chamber. He flees but finds he is quickly hunted by four men on horseback. It’s obvious the wounded Theon is no match for them but as he is about to be killed, the four men are shot down with a crossbow and killed. Theon’s savior is the same man who helped him escape. As the last man is dying he looks at his murderer and mutters “You bastard.” If Theon’s savior is who I think he is, this is pretty hilarious. More on that in later episodes.

And because I save the best for last…

Brienne and Jamie

The Maid of Tarth and the Kingslayer have been captured by some rogue Bolton bannermen and it’s bad news bears all around. As the two (adorably sitting on the same horse – more fodder for my fan fic) are being lead through the woods, Jamie brings up some unpleasant conversation. Jamie is worth a hefty ransom and the favor of the King of the North (or lots of gold from the Lannisters – depending on what these rogue bannermen decide), but Brienne is worthless to them.

Tied together, back to back - my favorite couple

Tied together, back to back – my favorite couple

Jamie tells Brienne this and he also tells her she is going to be gang raped most likely. He tells her not to fight and just imagine something else. Of course he knows she will fight and she will also die because of it. The look of fear on Brienne’s face is just heartbreaking. Brienne tells Jamie she’s going to fight – what else can she do. She’ll die before she lets that happen. She asks Jamie what he’d do and he responds that he’d fight to the death too — except he knows he’ll never know that fear since he is a man. Awful.

Two badass mofos

Two badass mofos

Later that night as Jamie is being tied to a tree and Brienne is starting to fight off the men – Jamie does something that starts his path into being one of the show’s more noble characters. Even though he doesn’t have to do it – he lies and tells the leader (Locke) that Brienne is worth a hefty ransom as she comes from the Isle of Sapphires. He is fairly cocky during the exchange and tells the man they’ll only get a reward if she is returned “unbesmirched”. The look of pride on Jamie’s face at his lie and his big boy vocabulary word is completely epic.

The best.

The best.

Locke calls off the raping of the maid and Jamie has saved her honor and her life, though he had no reason to. She is tied against the tree across from him and the look of gratefulness and confusion she has when looking at Jamie is pretty wonderful. She doesn’t understand but must assume that he has struck a deal for her. Jamie is feeling so confident about his persuasive powers that he tries to get the men to free him, promising Lannister riches for all. And for a brief moment we think this man has taken the bait. Jamie is untied and brought to the fire, presumably to have dinner with the men.

You just had to get cocky didn't you?

You just had to get cocky didn’t you?

Jamie shoots Brienne a look like “I got this” and starts walking toward the campfire. In a harrowing final minute of the show – Jamie is pressed down on a tree stump like a chopping block. He is taunted and reminded “You’re nothing without your daddy, and your daddy ain’t here.” As I was watching this and the blade was traced over Jamie’s eye, my one friend yelled “Not his face. He’s so hot!” and then yelped in great surprise as his sword hand was swiftly chopped off.

Your daddy ain't here!

Your daddy ain’t here!

“BUT THAT’S HIS IDENTITY” – she yelled. Oh yes, indeed. The Kingslayer is about to embark on a serious change of character and it’s going to be amazing if it’s anything like the books. As we cut to the credits we are left only with Jamie’s howl of pain and the Hold Steady singing “The Bear and the Maiden Fair.” SHIT JUST GOT REAL Y’ALL!!

Thanks for reading. Sorry last weeks episode was written up. Brem and I sort of didn’t communicate well and so episode 2 might not ever get a recap. I hope you can forgive us — or just read another recap of it somewhere else.

GoT S3E1 – Tell the Old Man He Smells of Piss

8 Apr

Hey everyone, I want to give you a totally awesome excuse as to why this recap didn’t come sooner as the next episode has already aired in America, but I don’t have one. I apologize for being completely awful about blogging. This next admission won’t make this any easier, but I might have also been drunk on mulled wine while watching this episode.

The best purchase ever.

The best purchase ever.

My friends and I had a premiere party where we ate like Robert Baratheon and I drank like Tyrion Lannister. And I wore a direwolf shirt and shouted things like “My dragons” and “Winter is coming bitches” a few times at the screen. So yeah, that’s what I’ve been up to in Japan.

This recap might be not the most in depth or insightful but I promise to do better next time. Actually – Brem is writing up episode 2 so it should be more prompt. Heads up – I am completely nerdy for these books and this show but I promise to do my best and not spoil or foreshadow any future plot points. So let’s go to Westeros. Apologies in advance for my booze addled thoughts.

Beyond The Wall

We last left Jon Snow as a captive of the free folk of the North. The episode starts with Ygritte bringing him through the wildlings camp to meet Mance Rayder. I have to say that the actress playing Ygritte is doing a damn fine job. Her taunting and sexual chemistry with Jon Snow is so ridiculously great.

jon and ygritte

I love how she teases him by saying that Mance will kill him if he doesn’t believe him (which is actually true) but you can tell she has a real affection for him and is totally checking him out. In her defense — Kit Harrington does make me think dirty things so I don’t blame the girl. How bad ass was Ygritte taking down one of the kids throwing shit at Jon with a flick of her staff, Master Splinter style? Such a lady crush on her, even if she is a ginger.

John gets taken in to meet the King Beyond the Wall but because Mance is a tricky man he hangs back and watches Jon make a fool of himself by bowing to one of his underlings — the Magnar of Thenn. Ygritte and the boys all get a kick out of this until Mance gets down to business and questions why Jon Snow would leave the Nights Watch.

There is a tense exchange that I can’t remember because Jon Snow is just so dreamy, but basically he says he wants to fight the wights who are coming and doesn’t believe the Nights Watch is doing enough. In the end, Mance believes Jon or is willing to give him the benefit of the doubt as he orders him to get a new cloak. Awww yeah. Jon Snow has infiltrated the camp.

Can we just take a moment to appreciate this?

Can we just take a moment to appreciate this?

Also beyond the wall is Samwell Tarly, cowering like a craven as a wight approaches him. The walkers are genuinely gnarly. Just as Sam is about to be attacked, Ghost (the best direwolf of all) and then Commander Mormont save the day. We find out that Sam failed to do the one thing that he was supposed to do in the event of an attack — get ravens off to the castle to inform the brothers at the wall of what was coming. Poor Sam, he can’t do anything right these days.

Across the Narrow Sea

Drunk Thoughts

1) Dany is sooo pretty. She is even prettier as a brunette. I wonder if she dyes her hair or if that is a wig? I also wonder out loud if Dany and Jon Snow ever banged in real life because that is the fan fiction of my dreams.

How is this picture not in flames from hotness?

How is this picture not in flames from hotness?

2) The dothraki are vomiting on the boat. I hate vomit, but not as much as dothraki hate the sea.

3) When is Dany going to learn not to trust people in market places? She has a soft spot for children and slaves and it’s going to be a problem. Thank god that Ser Barristan Selmy saves the day and kills the terrifying poisonous robot scorpion contraption sent by the child warlock. I hate their creepy purple mouths. Nightmares.

4) Jorah Mormont looks really sexy this season. Like whoa. Have I been in Japan for too long that I find nearly all the men on this show to be super hot?

No one is mad about this.

No one is mad about this.

5) The unsullied terrify me. I had to turn away and try not to yak mulled wine when the dude’s nipple was being cut off.

The Unsullied and their desensitized nipples.

The Unsullied and their desensitized nipples.

6) Looks like we have met Missandei – the girl translator for Dany who goes on to become a bigger character in the books. She seems pretty cool. We also had some solidly funny scenes with the slave owner saying terrible things and Missandei tactfully trying to figure out what to translate.

7) THE DRAGONS ARE AWESOME! Looks like they upped the CGI budget this season.

Wee Drogon

Wee Drogon

8) Barristan Selmy rules. It takes nearly a whole book for Dany to find out who he is, but on the show he just comes forth  and presents his name. If you can’t remember, Barristan the Bold was exiled in the first season by Joffrey even though he was the best and truest knight of the Kingsguard. He’s like a hot grandpa and I love him.

The Onion Knight

Davos Seaworth, the Onion Knight, lives!! HUZZAH!

Drunk Thoughts

1) Davos looks really messed up. I appreciate this because in the book he is described as barely clinging to life.

2) Davos stays loyal and proclaims Stannis to be his true king when picked up by a group of pirates. Saying the wrong name could have cost him his life but he follows his heart and gives his loyalty to his best bro.

Looking pretty scurry

Looking pretty scurry

Davos is returned to Dragonstone and is immediately brought before Stannis and Melisandre. Sidenote – I don’t know what is happening but Stannis is looking mighty fine this season. One of my friends claims that this is because this episode is really well lit. Not sure I buy it.

3) I really hate Melisandre for pushing Davos’s buttons. He just lost three sons and many men in a battle he fought for Stannis. He stayed loyal and true and almost died and this is the welcome he gets? BULLSHIT.

4) I have a hard time believing Stannis would be this much of a dick to his number two man upon his miraculous survival.

Oddly hot but kind of a dick.

Oddly hot but kind of a dick.

5) Loved that Davos tried to kill Melisandre on the spot and blamed her for not helping them in the Battle of Blackwater. She is awful and I would totally try to strangle her too. Even if it meant that I was sent to the dungeons like our buddy Davos.

The King in the North

Drunk Thoughts


– Robb is finally seeing that war comes at a terrible cost as he stumbles onto a castle (I think it’s Harrenhaal) and finds piles and piles of bodies. This doesn’t look good for the young King in the North. Winning battles but losing the war is his specialty these days.

Kings Landing

Tyrion Scenes

Drunk Thoughts

1) Bronn is oddly sexy. I know that’s wrong, but I don’t want to be right. I always have liked him since he’s a rogue and a wildcard in the whole game of thrones. Pod interrupting his fuck sesh was pretty classic. Anyone else go “Awwww POD!” upon seeing Tyrion’s squire (and savior)? More Bronn please!!

Best bros.

Best bros.

2) Tyrion really is the best person ever. I love everything about him. I thought Peter Dinkelage turned in another fine performance here with his conversations with both Cersei and Tywin. You could really sense his depth of vulnerability and hurt that his father never came to see him when he was extremely injured. Tyrion basically saved Kings Landing while Joffrey cowered and his reward has been being replaced by his dad as the hand of the king AND finding out he will not inherit Lannisport. Way harsh Ty. (Zing — I’ve been waiting to use that one).

More like Asshole of the King.

More like Asshole of the King.

3) Tyrion’s comeback to Cersei was comic gold after she disparages his new living situation – “Grand Maester Pycelle made the same joke. You should be proud to be as funny as someone whose balls brush his ankles.” AMAZEBALLS.

4) Cersei tries to threaten Tyrion by telling him about her network of spies in the castle. He doesn’t give a shit because the half man is the smartest person in Westeros. Cersei is obviously nervous now that Jamie isn’t around and her father is back. She fears Tyrion spilling the truth about the twin fucking or any number of sins. I love that Tyrion isn’t cowed by her ridiculousness as he lets her know he is ten times more clever than she is.



5) Was there anything more awful than the exchange between Tywin and Tyrion as Tyrion tried to ask his father for his birthright, Lannisport? Twyin makes it clear that not only will Tyrion not receive his land, money or titles, but he also loathes and distrusts his own son, a son who had just saved the kingdom. Awful. Poor half man.


1) Cersei is going to be fun to watch this season. Not only is she terrified of Tyrion scheming against her, but now she is also worried about her position in court. Now that Joffrey’s young, beautiful, and beloved fiance is at Kings Landing, she is old news and has already faded to the background in the eyes of her sociopath son and her subjects.

The most epic of bitchfaces!

The most epic of bitchfaces!

2) Love Cersei and Tyrion verbally sparring.

3) Cersei’s faces as she interacts with Margaery are pretty much amazing. The realization that Margaery now has more sway over Joffrey than she does is pretty painful for her and I love it! Can’t wait for their future passive aggressive bitch fights and plenty of subtext.

For real. Did she go to bitchface drama academy to get that scowl? Loves it.

For real. Did she go to bitchface drama academy to get that scowl? Loves it.

4) Joffrey is such a douche – I wonder if Cersei thinks about slapping his face as often as I do.


1) Cersei isn’t the only queen playing the Game of Thrones. Lil’ heart shaped face Margaery is also quite good at playing Joffrey and the people. How much of her stopping at the orphanage is genuine and how much is an act? Does she really love the people or does she realize that she is marrying a hateful monster and the only way to survive anything is to become a beloved figure of the commoners?

2) Margaery is either very cunning or very sweet – but I think I will stick with cunning for now. She is the Princess Di of Kings Landing and Joff knows he maybe just found a way to become more likeable. Better stick with this one Joff.

The Princess Di of Westeros

The Princess Di of Westeros

3) Looking forward to a lot more scenes of Margaery and Cersei being pleasantly awful to each other this season. Nothing like really angry passive aggressive Cersei battles.

4) Is anyone else still disappointed that Loras Tyrell isn’t hotter? In the books he is basically described as the sexiest man in Westeros.

The worst.

The worst.


Sansa is adrift at Kings Landing now that she has been cast aside as Joff’s future bride. She is only glimpsed briefly here as we are given a bit of foreshadowing with Littlefinger’s plans to take her away from the castle. Our two former prostitutes with hearts of gold (Roz and Shae) quietly talk while Littlefinger, the perv, creeps on Sansa and promises her safety.



Roz tells Shae to keep on an eye on Sansa, especially around Littlefinger. That Roz knows what’s up. Shae promises to protect and look after her lady the best she can. In other news, Sansa finds out Arya is alive, or at least was, the last time Littlefinger had heard. YAY!

Overall Vibe – After getting over the initial drunken bliss of being back in Westeros I have to admit that I think the first two or three episodes of each season are a bit tedious. There was a lot a going on here and we didn’t even glimpse Arya, Brienne and Jamie, Bran and plenty of other characters who will soon become important. Hopefully all of the exposition and plotting we are seeing now start paying off with exciting action and sexy times within a few episodes.

I have great hope as I feel that most seasons start off slow and build to something awesome like the Battle of the Blackwater last season or what I know will likely be the finale this season. Thanks for reading this, I promise less drunk thoughts and a much better recap next time. Winter is coming!

The Ultimate Road Trippin’ Tunes

29 Mar
Over in Japan, Spring is in the air. The cherry blossoms are blooming, I don`t want to die when I sit on a cold toilet seat, and I just had my first road trip of the season. Is there anything better than getting into a car with a bunch of your friends, rolling down the windows and hitting the open road with the music blasting? Okay, I could probably think of a few things but all of them are dirty and involve Ryan Gosling and a chocolate fountain so let`s not get into it here because my mom reads this blog (Hi Mom!).
Oh and one last thing. My friend Molly and I have started a twitter account that is basically the greatest/most awful and inappropriate things we chat about on g-chat. The tweets are pulled from actual g-chat conversations we’ve been having for months while being bored at work. We thought it was rude to keep all of this hilarity to ourselves so in the spirit of Easter and giving – we bring you Assholes on G-chat https://twitter.com/chataintright. Follow us, promote us to your friends and when we’re famous we’ll totally pretend we remember your name.

Anyway, the weekend road trip has inspired this week’s entry — ultimate road trippin’  songs! So without further hesitation – my list. Please feel free to add your favorite jams in the comment section. Looking forward to getting a few new ideas for my next trip!

Road Trip Tunes (In No Particular Order because I am not spending two hours making you lazy jerks the perfect playlist)

No Diggity – Blackstreet – I feel like this one hits particularly with those of us who remember wearing Calvin Klein t-shirts and mini-backpacks we bought at Claire’s  to middle school dances in the mid 90s. But for real. I dare you not start singing this when you hear the words `Shorty get down, good lord…` Impossible.

The Chain – Fleetwood Mac – Really any Fleetwood Mac song will suffice on a road trip because they are amazing but there is something primal and intense about this one. You can tell that some serious hate fucking was going down when Lindsey and Stevie wrote this. I particularly recommend the version off the live album The Dance. Just yell singing `Cha-aiiii-aiinnnnnnn — keep us together!` over and over again is so fucking great. Bonus – there are amazing opportunities for epic air bass and air guitar.

Ooh La La – The Faces – For those of you not up on your Rod Stewart before he went solo then basically this is the song that goes `I wish that I knew what I know now…when I was younger. I WISH.THAT. I knew what I know now. When I was stronger` and he sings Oooh La La  quite a few times too. Basically, it`s as close as Rod Stewart ever got to perfection outside of his beautiful 80s mullet.
You're welcome ladies. Enjoy that Kentucky waterfall.

You’re welcome ladies. Enjoy that Kentucky waterfall.

Always Be My Baby – Mariah Carey – Sing it with me ladies (and men who are comfortable with their love of Mimi) -” Doo doo doo doh, doo doo doo doo doo doo doh. We were as one babe, for a moment in timmmmmme. And it seemed everlasting that you would always be minnnnneeeeeeeee.” Let`s just all flashback to listening to Mariah on our portable discmans on the back of the school bus and smile. Thank you. Great sing-along for a girl road trip because erryone knows the words.

Ignition (Remix) – R. Kelly – Please. If you don`t instinctively go “Awww yeah” when you hear the beginning of this song then we probably aren’t friends and will never be friends. Also, let’s just all admit that at one point in time in college our AIM away message was “Sippin’ on Coke and Rum. I’m like so what I’m drunk. It’s the freaking weekend, baby I’m about to have me some fun.”

Laid – James – This is that song that you always heard in the dive bar you went to in college about getting laid. If you don`t think you know it, I guarantee you do. It starts with `This bed is on fire with passionate love, the neighbors complain about the noise from above…`. Basically what is great is that this song is super dirty and catchy and ends with everyone trying to go into their falsetto to sing `LaaaaaIDDDDDDDDDDDDD, LaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID` and it is a beautiful moment. Go for those high notes y`all, the windows are down and your friends are hopefully not a pack of dogs.

Sympathy for the Devil or Gimme Shelter – The Rolling Stones – The Jim Beddall classics of my car ride. Because sometimes you are on a road trip with your dad from Pennsylvania to Florida and musically what you can both agree upon is how great both The Roots (yes, my dad loves the Roots) and The Stones are and then you put on Let it Bleed, start up Gimme Shelter and both start shout singing `War, Children. It`s just a shot away. It`s just a shot away!!!!!!!!!!!` very loudly on I-95. And if Gimme Shelter isn’t your thing then Sympathy for the Devil has a great rhythm section at the beginning and then you get to do all the “doo doos” if you don`t really know all the words. Road trip perfection.

Basically anything by Prince – Do I even need to explain how great singing Prince in the car is? I hope not but in case you aren’t convinced just add When Doves Cry, Kiss, Purple Rain, Raspberry Beret or Let’s Go Crazy to your mix and watch your whole car go crazy.

The best.

The best.

Say It Ain’t So – Weezer – I know this shows up on my ultimate karaoke jamz list too, but seriously guys, everyone seems to know the words to it and you don’t need a particularly good voice to sing along. Plus it’s so satisfying singing the chorus – `Say it ain’t soooooooooo-whooooooaaaaaa`.

Lovefool – The Cardigans – Dear I fear we’re facing a problem if you love this song no longer. Easily one of my favorite (and best) pop songs of the late 90s. If you don`t know all the words to the song like I do after listening to the Romeo and Juliet soundtrack a LOT in seventh grade then I guarantee you can at least join along for the chorus of `Love me, love me, saaaaay that you love me. Fool me, fool me, go on foooool me. Love me, love me, say that you love. Leave me, Leave me, just say that you need me. I can’t care about anything but you`. Candy pop perfection.

I Believe in a Thing Called Love – The Darkness – This song reminds me of living in Ireland my sophomore year of college (shout out to the Dublin crew). The Darkness were insanely big in Europe and the minute I heard this song I knew I was destined to shout sing it from my little Tercel on all future road trips. Not only do you get to sing in a faux British accent, you also get to shout sing in a high Freddie Mercury style falsetto and have the opportunity for really intense air guitar solos. Sing it now – TOUCHING YOOOOUUUUUU, TOUCHING MEEEEEE! Yeah, done and done.

Hey Ya – Outkast – Another not quite old school but almost old school crowd pleaser that everyone knows and can seat dance to. We all like shaking it like a Poloroid picture and the Ladies and Fellas shout-outs in the song because they are magical.

Say My Name – Destiny`s Child – Another repeat off the karaoke jamz list but that is only because it is so magical. If your car is full of ladies you can try for the harmonies and Beyonce is pretty much perfection whether she is flying solo or heading up DC. No playlist is complete without Queen B.
I totally forgot there used to be four of them!

I totally forgot there used to be four of them!

Gin and Juice – Snoop Dogg – Okay, so when I wanted to throw some old school rap on here, what I really wanted to put on was Juicy by Biggie because that is my personal preference. Biggie’s flow is obvi the best in the biz but the more popular and easily sung to rap was chosen and the D-O-double G wins the day. Plus, it’s a really great rap song and it`s about rolling down the streets smoking and drankin.
Blister in the Sun – Violent Femmes – Everything about this song. Everything. The fact that your voice doesn’t even need to be close to great to sing it, the fact that it’s what Angela Chase danced to after she realized she was finally over Jordan Catalano, the fact that it is so perfectly 90s and that people both 15 years older and 10 years younger than me can universally agree that it`s great to shout/sing is enough for me. LET ME GO ONNNNNNNNN…..LIKE A BLISTER IN THE SUN!
This youtube clip of Claire Danes dancing to this song pretty much goes to show that Claire Danes has always and will always rule.

And now for the songs that I recognize aren`t for everyone but are undeniably for me. If you don`t like it, then get outta my car jerkface.

Ex-Factor – Lauryn Hill – This song just makes me put on my sunglasses so you don`t see me cry, grip my chest like I am having a heart attack a few times and just really belt the pain. The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill was THE album of my mid teenager years and will never die. I whipped this out on road trip this weekend and I think I made one friend feel pretty uncomfortable with all my emoting and another friend was just as into it as I was. Know your audience, or be like me and not give a fuck.
THE album of my teens.

THE album of my teens.

Anything by Paul Simon – Graceland, Late in the Evening, Diamonds on the Soles of her Shoes, anything in the Simon and Garfunkel collection. Paul Simon is pretty much one of my favorite singer/songwriters of all time and I can guarantee that he will be on my road tripping playlist. I recognize he is not for everyone, but I also recognize that a lot of people have terrible taste. Paul for the win! My personal favorite Paul road trip song is Graceland because it`s just so beautiful and perfect.
The Rat – Walkmen – I like to get a few good angry sings in while I drive and this song by The Walkmen is full of fury and break-up rage but is also extremely catchy and not like MegaDeath angry. A perfect pop-rock ripper.
Anything by Rilo Kiley/Jenny Lewis/Fiona Apple — Sometimes I gotta get my girl angst out and feel my feelings for two seconds. Any song by Rilo Kiley, Jenny Lewis or Fiona Apple will usually suffice. I usually don`t do this with gents in the car — so broads in my car — it`s happening. We can sing our feelings. It will be great.
Time After Time – Cyndi Lauper – See above. Except I have no problem singing this with dudes in the car. Ya been warned.
Parks and Rec knows what's up.

Parks and Rec knows what’s up.

What’s on your road trippin’ playlist? Please share in the comments or on my twitter (https://twitter.com/eebeddall) or facebook because I love hearing from you. Smooches. Get ready for our Game of Thrones recaps starting next week!

My Week in Pop Culture

22 Mar

It’s almost Spring in Japan which means perfect weather, cherry blossoms and road trips are just around the corner, but as of now I’m still sleeping with my electric blanket on most nights and waking up freezing my ass off. Soon enough I will long for the days where I’m not sweating like Chris Farley after the timed mile in gym class, but for now, I want warm weather. While I’m still cold and cursing living in the mountains I have had time to catch some new shows and tunes.  Here’s what I’ve been listening to and watching these past two weeks.

Oh and hey – do you guys do the whole twitter thing? Because Brem and I totes do. Follow us on twitter – Brem posts great tweets about music she is seeing or listening to and I am generally an asshole who comments on random things.

Me – https://twitter.com/eebeddall

Brem – https://twitter.com/bremily

What I’m Watching

Top of the Lake

So this is a 7 hour mini-series starring the amazing Elizabeth Moss (Peggy Olson on Mad Men) as a New Zealand detective looking into the case of a twelve year old girl who is pregnant and then disappears outside of Queenstown, NZ. The missing girl is the daughter of the town thug and her brothers, father and several other creepy townspeople are suspects in the crime.

Top of the Lake

Top of the Lake

Moss’s character is back in her hometown from Sydney to take care of her ailing mother when she receives the call about the girl and goes in to help question her. The whole case is being handled with an air of indifference (the dudes in this town are highly sexist) and she quickly takes charge and attempts to help the frightened girl.

Moss is steely and strong but also vulnerable and sympathetic in the role and I have to say she is one of the best actresses on the small screen these days. Her character has some sort of history with the girl’s older half brother and there are hints that something really bad happened to her that led her to become the avenging angel and badass detective she is today. This all works because Moss holds a little back and we’re never quite sure exactly what is going on in her mind. I  look forward to the reveals about her past, her family and her relationship with Tui’s (the missing girl) half brother.

Most badass lady on TV.

Most badass lady on TV.

Basically this show is everything the Killing wishes it was. Not that the The Killing was bad, in fact, there were parts of the first season that were riveting until the writers shit the bed and created all of these crazy plots and then decided not to reveal who the killer was until season 2. But I digress. The town is full of eccentric oddballs and menacing killers and has a vague Twin Peaks feel to it, which I obviously love.

Holly Hunter and a group of strange women trying to mend their broken hearts offer some levity to the series. Hunter plays a prophet sort of character who has a sort of hippie commune for women who are trying to get their lives together and they happen to be living on  land apparently owned by Tui’s volatile father. The women take Tui in when she initially runs away but she disappears before they learn much about her. The women are great and Hunter is always a delight. There is a story about a woman who was living with orangutan that literally made me snot chocolate milk out of my nose (sounds weird, but it was a great scene – trust me).

Tui's creepster bros.

Tui’s creepster bros.

The setting of the show is also gorgeous as it is filmed in creator/director/writer/Oscar nominee Jane Campion’s homeland on the south island of New Zealand. I loved watching the first two episodes and have high hopes for the final five.  It’s airing on Sundance Channel in America and also can be streamed online if you know the right websites. I definitely recommend this mini-series very highly and it’s not like I’m telling you to invest in a whole season of television here — just seven hours spread out across three or four weeks. Let me know if get the chance to check it out.

Game of Thrones

The season hasn’t started yet but I am already dying and have watched all of the trailers at least five times each in anticipation. The third book is my favorite so I hope they do it justice. Just seeing clips of Brienne and the bear, the dragons and Jon Snow and Ygritte in the cave (ow ow!) are making me salivate with excitement. If you still somehow haven’t watched Game of Throne or think you’re too cool for it, then get off your high horse because it rules. Catch up on Seasons 1 and 2 so you can join Brem and I in our weekly recap discussions.


I need to preface this whole thing by saying I’m not a cartoon person, not even close. I’ve seen about three episodes of The Simpsons in my life and I’m not into the Family Guy unless I’m completely wasted. I once was out with a guy who endlessly quoted The Family Guy and tried doing the vocal impersonations and I’ve never wanted to punch someone in the face so much in my life. So when I asked for show suggestions (and thank you for those that gave them — I’ll be checking out Luther soon Colleen), my friend Molly https://twitter.com/MollyTRex (who has similar tastes to my own — aka very good taste), suggested Archer.

The Dutchess

The Dutchess

This wasn’t the first time I’d heard about this show as it’s basically a partial Arrested Development reunion in the fact that it has Jessica Walter voicing the role of Malory Archer, a caustic alcoholic withholding mother and boss of spy agency ISIS, Jeffrey Tambor as a director of a rival spy company and once paramour who is still in love with Malory, and Judy Greer as Cheryl Tunt (yep – great names) – who is basically playing Kitty from AD all over again as the vapid and sexually inappropriate secretary to Malory. Arrested Development in cartoon form — sign this girl up!

Danger Zone!

Danger Zone!

Rounding out the vocal performances are H. Jon Benjamin as the pompous ladies man/asshole/super-spy Sterling Malory Archer, Aisha Tyler as the sexy, no-bullshit super spy and former lover of Archer – Lana Kane, Chris Parnell as the hapless accountant/sex addict/nerd Cyril Figgis, and Amber Nash as the hedonistic, ridiculously amazing HR rep Pam Poovey.

My favorite asshole on tv right now.

My favorite asshole on tv right now.

This show is fucking amazing you guys. The  jokes are fast and furious and super inappropriate and because the characters are cartoons, the violence, sex, and shenanigans are way more insane and hilarious because they can get away with so much more. The more I watch this show, the more I love it and all of the characters. Characters I thought I was going to hate have turned out to be my favorites (Pam, Cheryl).  This show really appeals to my inner twelve year old except it is slightly more sophisticated than twelve year old me, only slightly. The voice-overs are great, the editing is amazing and the show is worth your precious viewing time. Thanks Molly — good call.

What I’m Listening To

Foxygen – We are the 21st Century Ambassadors of Peace and Magic

Yes, I recognize how positively ridiculous this album title is, but the music is legit. It’s my soundtrack to spring right now. I am not sure how to describe the sound exactly – it’s like a bit of 60s California Rock mixed with Belle and Sebastian sensibilities. The lead singer sort of reminds me of a young Mick Jagger and Bob Dylan and I really thoroughly dig it. I also really enjoy the full album as a listen which is sign of good music to me.



Although we currently live in the age of singles and digital music – I often will burn a whole album to CD to listen to while I drive (I have a half hour commute to work each way and drive often) and there are not many albums that I feel like play well all the way through. I give each album I burn at least three listens before deciding whether or not it will get regular play on my drives to work. Foxygen passes the test. My favorite tracks off the album are – San Francisco, No Destruction, and Shuggie.

Justin Timberlake – The 20/20 Experience

I am gonna need a minute because I feel like I’ve been waiting for this album for forever and that’s because it has been seven years since Justin released FutureSex/LoveSounds onto the earth. I missed him and his slick dance moves and sexy falsetto and terrible lyrics but amazing musicality.

I have finally listened to the full album two times and I give it two thumbs up and am also wondering why he released Suit and Tie as his first single. There are way more catchy tunes on this album that I look forward to dancing around to it sans pants in my living room once it gets slightly warmer.

Yes please.

Yes please.

You know he’s amazing because he even takes a song titled Strawberry Bubblegum and makes it great – it starts with some Barry White voice stuff at the beginning and combines it with JT’s most beautiful falsetto. I don’t even care that the lyrics are like “She’s smacking that strawberry bubblegum” because the song has funk and soul and weirdly sounds like amazing elevator music during a break down. Not even mad, so good. Good god.

The music is great and happy and soooo danceable – but none of that dub-step shit that shows up in most everything these days. Listen I love a good dancing song with some dub-step bidness every now again but once Taylor Swift starts throwing dub-step breakdowns into her songs it has officially been overused and overplayed. This album is like a mix of 70s soul (the horns on That Girl, Pusher Love, etc — great stuff) with some terrific rhythmic beats underneath JT’s soaring voice (good call on collaborating with Timbaland).

Jessica Biel is one lucky betch.

Jessica Biel is one lucky betch.

Some song make me want to dance (Let the Groove Get in, Body Count) and some make me want to get down and then smoke a cig (Tunnel Vision, Dress On).  Favorite Tracks – That Girl, Tunnel Vision, Mirrors, Let the Groove Get In — damn, this is hard, pretty much all of the songs are pretty great. Do you think Jessica Biel just high fives herself in the mirror every morning because she knows this whole album is pretty much JT singing about how much he loves her. Lucky bitch.




Have a super weekend everyone.

Thanks for reading!

SXSW music! Part 1!

22 Mar

I’m back! And I’m cold.

Last week’s trip to Austin was everything I’d hoped it would be. And reminded me that I’m ready for spring. It was sunny and warm. That isn’t even close to important and perhaps I’m writing that because it’s the second day of spring and I’m fucking freezing. And a little sad the whole thing is over.

So our trip started with a funny (haha) little snafu on our part.  When we got to the Philly airport on Wednesday I said to Brad “So, I think I saw that we are flying into San Antonio?”. He looked at me funny and said “No, why would you think that?”. I looked at him blankly and said “I don’t know, maybe I made that up?”.

I didn’t.

We had originally booked our flight to Austin then needed to change it because of Brad’s work schedule. It seems that at some point during the switch we were offered “nearby airports”. 80 miles away. Which required renting a car to drive to Austin, park the car in Austin, come back to San Antonio the night before our return flight at 8am, rent a hotel in San Antonio (and ditch our already paid-for hotel in Austin).  So car+parking+gas+additional hotel ended up costing us about $700. FUUUUUCK. And that was after the $300 fee for switching the flights. What a waste.

We remained upbeat.

We had originally planned on hitting a Cold War Kids show at midnight on Wednesday, but after our little detour we weren’t able to make it.  Probably my biggest regret.  But then things got good.

Here’s one thing I learned about myself: I have absolutely no gauge on how popular bands are, apparently.  I find music from word of mouth, xpn, and random music blogs, buy music online and mostly see the same local bands over and over.  I guess this has lead me to have no clue whether a band is very popular or not.  Also, I think the number of shows and variety of venues at SXSW lead to crowds that are not necessarily representative of how many fans they have. I guess? I was repeatedly surprised.

Also, we had no SXSW badges to get into any official showcases – this really didn’t cramp my style at all and I don’t regret that decision one bit. This could actually be quite an affordable trip if you find the right place to stay and plan parties to get food and drinks (and don’t fuck up your travel plans to the tune of an extra grand).

Another fun fact: I drunkenly deleted all my pictures from my memory card on Thursday – the wise people from the internet say that I can get them back since I haven’t taken any more pictures on that card since, and hopefully I will.  I can be rather lazy. Cell phone pics for now, because if I try to wait and edit all that shit, we’ll be 6 months out and I won’t remember anything.


Cheers Elephant

We showed up about 2 hours early for a band I was sure was going to have a line wrapped around the block only to get a table with a waitress 15 feet from the stage, with about 20 other people there.  The band members were sitting at the table next to me.  While coming back from the bathroom I nailed my arm into the lead singers chair and felt like an awkward dork (he was very nice though).  I got a pretty nasty bruise on my arm which I consider a battlescar (in the war of me vs. clumsiness). The show was lots of fun and the perfect way to get started. High energy, small but fun and enthusiastic crowd, perfect sunshiny warmth, slight buzz. Ahh.

I also took an accidental 7 minute video of the girl-in-front-of-me’s butt. It’s very avante garde.  My 4 year-old niece thinks it’s the funniest movie she’s ever seen. Sorry, girl.


Ali Wadsworth

We left and rushed over to Rachael Ray’s Feedback House Party at Banger’s – a really cool outdoor venue, to see a few of my favorite local acts.  Ali is actually an old friend of mine from when I was a camp counselor, and she is just fucking great. Banger’s was a converted house with a huge fenced in yard with looong picnic tables and cornhole and buffet. Free food, free drinks, free music. That part of SXSW was incredible – free shit everywhere.  Ali is an incredible singer and mixes some fun funny drinking songs with some huge, monster songs that will blow your hair back. She’s working on an album and I can’t wait for it.



Toy Soldiers

I’ve probably seen them more than any other band in my life, and just couldn’t miss ’em down there.  Great show, as always, a little more low-key than usual – the frenzied crescendo that ends most shows was notably muted – but it was the middle of the day, with most people sitting and eating at that time, so I can see why.


Jonny Fritz

I saw him as a “surprise” guest a few weeks ago and loved him – I honestly enjoyed his acoustic duo at the house show more than the full stage act, but still a really talented guy, with seriously quirky songs. He just seems like a super odd guy, but way talented and genuine. I talked to him a bit after the show and told him I contributed to the kickstarter he had for his wedding (I told you, odd!). He seemed almost apologetic about it (said he had to cancel a bunch of shows in order to do it, plus the total amount they were trying to raise was only $1500 – I donated 5 bucks to get the postcard they had as a perk!) and told me he just met her that week. I wasn’t sure what was true, but he was really nice. I was pretty drunk and ended up buying a copy of his CD that I already owned. Corndawg!


So we stumbled back to the Convention Center to catch our shuttle (R&R shuttles, which worked pretty smoothly overall), I promptly accidentally deleted all the pictures from my big camera, and fell face down into the bed fully dressed. Success.



So again, I misjudged the popularity of a band and started our day with a 1.3 mile walk (which included a long detour through some neighborhoods thanks to crap maps on Brad’s phone [they were beautiful neighborhoods, though]) we ended up at Waterloo Records headquarters to see Alt-J. No way. Hundreds of people wrapped around the place, long lines, people yelling at us that we couldn’t block the sidewalk. No go. Walk away. Ok, sorry – I had no idea they were that popular. We are not worthy.

Joe Fletcher with Jonah Tolchin and other guy with great big beard and smiley face

My goal was to see David Wax Museum and we showed up during the proceeding act, Joe Fletcher. I figured this show would be huge, I would be late and was ready to give up on the whole day after walking an extra 2 miles the wrong way across town again (Um, The Tap Room on 6 was… not on 6th. that’s some tricky shit.). It was 2:30 and so far the whole day was FAIL (well, except the flautas. Tex Mex food agrees with me). We showed up to the venue and it ended up being a smallish, open concept bar, uncrowded and perfect. These guys were fun, solid folk with harmonicas blazin’. Brad was lukewarm (his folk sensibilities are not quite as folky as mine), but I liked them. Not love, but maybe it was because I was SO! EXCITED! for:


This show was hands down my very favorite performance of the entire trip. AHH! I discovered David Wax Museum after shazaaming a song I heard on the radio, and quickly fell in love.  I hadn’t ever seen what he looked like though, so as I stood there waiting for him to take the stage I google image searched him and started looking around the bar for him. Yeah, he was right behind me on the balcony, watching me google him. STARING ME IN THE FACE. HA! He happens to have the bluest eyes I have ever seen, and somehow reminded me of a killer, so I was seriously freaked out. I can’t describe it. I was really uncomfortable.  He was making a very serious, murderer face.

BUT THEN! They started. With BIG, HUGE ADORABLE grins on their faces, obviously enjoying themselves more than possibly anyone I’ve ever seen on a stage, and just killed it. They describe their sounds as Mexo-Americana,  folk mixed with Mexican Son music. They play about a million different instruments. Suz Slezak (David Wax’s main partner in crime) was possibly the most adorable human I’d ever seen, as well as being sick talented. I was obsessed with her. There were a few parts of the performance when I literally laughed out loud – a thing my friend Mandy does when a band is unbelievably awesome, which I never understood before. Now I get it.



We headed across town to see a friend and ended up catching a few songs from this band. I didn’t know much about them at the time, but later found out they’ve opened for the Black Keys, Grace Potter and and the Nocturnals and Dr. Dog.  Liked them a lot but I really wish I would have listened to them before. I spent too much time processing to really enjoy myself. Solid show to accidentally catch, for sure.


Michaela Ann with Jeff Malinowski

Jeff was another friend of mine from when I was a camp counselor in Maine, many moons ago. He commented on a photo I posted on Instagram and mentioned that he would be playing in Austin the next day, so of course I had to go see him.  He was playing guitar with a friend, Michaela Ann at a cool place on the East side of town. A bit of a hike, but it was cool to see another side of town – artsier, scrappier, with even more personality than downtown. They were great – female vocals + country isn’t usually my favorite, but she had a lovely, soothing voice and seemed like the sweetest human being on earth. The show was in the front yard of the place, and the street quickly clogged up with people stopping to watch her. Lovely. Jeff mentioned before I left that he was sure our paths would cross again, and he hoped it wouldn’t be ten years this time (FORESHADOWING!).


Jim James

We left and tried to hail a pedi-cab to take us across the lake to Auditorium Shores – a free “official sxsw” concert at a huge outdoor venue. The bike cab driver told us no – he said it was pretty much the furthest place you can go and maybe we could ask around to see if anyone else would do it.  After a long day of walking and sun we were fairly burned out but decided we’d hoof it.  It really wasn’t that terrible. We crossed the river lake with about a million other people and entered the venue – it was pretty well organized and hassle free. We got as close as I could get Brad to go (until he started hissing “we don’t need to be in the front!” – sorry, love, but we will just have to agree to disagree on that one) and Jim James started right away.

So I knew him, I knew he was in My Morning Jacket, and knew a few songs from his new album and liked them. I had no idea that many people would have gone to see him. I want to say it was in the tens of thousands.  Another big surprise in the “how many people will show up” arena, though I’m sure that The Flaming Lips playing after had a bit to do with it. Or I’m just totally out of it.  Anyway, I love the song New Life and was a little tipsy and swirly at this point and the sun was setting  and it was great. Wow, that whole paragraph was not actually about Jim James. Good thing I’m not a music critic, shiiit.


Flaming Lips

Holy Moly. I don’t believe I can say that I was surprised by the antics that went on during this show, but I can say I found it absolutely grotesque and bizarre, horrendously painful and also relaxing and beautiful.  Wayne Coyne came out wrapped in cords of lights, with an incredible light show – carrying a baby doll. Cradling the baby doll. Kissing the baby doll. Talking about the baby doll. For at least an hour, while playing their new album (that no one has heard yet) – mid-tempo outer space rock. I hate to say it, and tried to be open minded, but whooosh. It was boring and creepy. When he said he had one song left I asked Brad if he wanted to leave. Brad, The Oracle, in his INFINITE wisdom, said “No, maybe he’ll play a good encore.” (In my defense I was really asking in case Brad was dying to leave. Crowds are pure torture to him, and he had been an amazingly good sport with all my rushin’ around). And then, there it was: 5 songs from Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots (starting with my absolute favorite Lips song: Fight Test. It’s my “song I never get tired of”. Check it.) and ending with Do You Realize?.  Everyone around me sang and danced like they were tripping. Actually I knew some of them were tripping, because I overheard them say it (come on, they were one foot from my face). The one dude right in front of me kept turning around and looking at me, and for some reason I knew I was reassuring him – he would smile a tiny bit with a scared look on his face and when I would smile and nod he would visibly relax and turn around again. I had no idea exactly what was going on in his mind, but I was glad to be of help. It happened like 7 or 8 times (and again, he was less than a foot from my face, so it was probably weirder than it even sounds).  I saw him in the crowd while walking out and he stopped dead and stared at me – I had no idea what to do so I just said “See ya later!” and ran off.  Oh, drugs.


So that’s the first half – this shit is getting looong (2nd time I’ve used the word looong in this post, btw) so I think I’ll kill it there, and make a Part 2. Hopefully with real pictures. I haven’t even looked at them yet. Could be magic! Congratulations if you made it this far! Even if you just looked at pictures, I still love you!

Girls S2E10 – I Can’t Be the Only Thing You Like

19 Mar

First, I must say it’s been a pleasure watching this season with all of you. Your comments, personal e-mails sent to me about episodes or characters and interaction with me via this blog have been really rewarding and I often feel that half the reason I love to watch Girls is because I love to talk about it. Last night after finishing the finale I felt a whole mix of emotions – frustrated, a little angry, a little happy, and ultimately hopeful for next season.

Everyone is a MESS!

Everyone is a MESS!

I was initially pretty pissed that everything turned out just fine for everyone (relatively speaking) even though it felt really unearned (esp. the Marnie sitch — yikes) but I think we need to look at this finale as a pause in action — not the end of a romantic comedy (despite the last ten minutes). We’re going to see next season what happens when everyone gets what they think they want — and I suspect it won’t be happily ever after for long.

I was able to talk out my feelings with a friend via an hour long g-chat about the episode where she pointed out that Girls must be doing something right because we just spent double the time of the episode talking about it. Truth. So let’s get to talking. I’m less angry than I was last night, but still feeling like this season could have gone in a different and more satisfying direction. So to the recap.


Hannah is still in a downward spiral she can’t pull herself out of. I could talk about how annoyed I am that the OCD we never really heard about before three episodes ago has factored in so heavily in the end arc of Hannah’s story this season, but I will refrain. It’s almost like it’s a weird device being used to make us feel sympathy for Hannah when I really don’t want to feel bad for her. And then I feel bad for her a little and kind of hate myself for it.

Get serious about life Hannah!

Get serious about life Hannah!

Hannah’s in the same shirt we saw her in last episode and her hair is so greasy it looks like she combed a pork chop through it. She’s a mess and dodging doing her work and hiding from the world. Part of this definitely can be attributed to her fragile mental state, but part of it is that Hannah is the worst and is using her illness as a crutch to avoid her responsibilities. She gets an angry call from her editor (whom I love just for looking at/narrating pics of Chloe Sevigny while waiting for Hannah to pick up) basically demanding pages or else she’ll be sued and she flies into panic.

Here’s the thing. The editor is right. He paid Hannah for her pages and she needs to start producing them – because that is what writing for a living is. This guy trusted Hannah and she is jerking him around. The threat of being sued naturally freaks Hannah out so she calls her dad and asks him to loan her money to pay back her advance so she can be “free in her creative process”. Bleh.

Love him.

Love him.

And in the best move ever – her dad calls her out and says he babied her too much as a kid and let her skip school to dodge out of things and has made excuses for her for too long. He tells her she needs to stop doing this and live up to her responsibilities, he isn’t bailing her out and he won’t be manipulated by her again. Nicely done dad. You’re doing the right thing. Cut the cord dude, Hannah needs to fail without rescue in order to get her ass in gear.

Later in the episode Marnie comes to check on Hannah at the apartment since she hasn’t been returning her texts (I guess it’s a good sign that they are still sort of in touch). Hannah runs and hides when she hears Marnie’s voice. Marnie comes in and yells around the apartment looking for Hannah, knowing that she is there. She tells her she is worried as she looks around the clearly messy and disgusting apartment. She refuses to look for Hannah under the bed and then she sees what I thought would cause her to stay and really talk with Hannah – she sees that Hannah is planning to write about them. “A friendship between college girls is grander and more dramatic than any romance.” This friendship break-up has been rough on both of them and instead of staying to talk – Marnie takes a candelabra and books it out of there. Yikes.

Hot mess express. Ticket for one.

Hot mess express. Ticket for one.

Sorry for this tangent but….

I’ve been thinking that one reason why I really loved this show last season was because I loved the way the ensemble of characters bounced off each other and how the girls (while they could be shitty to each other as friends sometimes are) genuinely were there for each other and had affection for each other. It emphasized the importance of these friendships and relationships in their life and I remember the roomie break-up of Hannah and Marnie seeming worse than any romantic break because it meant so much more.

This season each girl has existed in her own vacuum of a story line. No one really hung out and they became increasingly isolated from each other instead choosing to get their “love” and support from the dudes in their lives. This has lead to them having really shitty years – Jessa and Thomas John was a disaster, Hannah’s myriad of lovers brought her no happiness or sanity, Shosh’s whole life started revolving around Ray and Marnie let her break-up with Charlie and relationship with Booth define her life. UGH. This made this season really hard to watch. See the video below for evidence

Watching these girls define themselves by the men in their lives was difficult though I know it’s something a lot of girls in their 20s go through. We all have had that friend who defines herself by who her slampiece is or who disappears when she gets a boyfriend – it’s not uncommon, but I guess I just wanted more from these four.

Okay, so back to Hannah. After Marnie leaves she decides to continue to eat Cool Whip, read magazines, and give herself a haircut instead of doing her work. She tries for a Carey Mulligan look and botches it completely which leads to her going to Laird’s apartment for help. Laird fixes her up so she looks slightly less terrible.

Looking very Girl, Interrupted here.

Looking very Girl, Interrupted here.

Hannah explains that she doesn’t want to clean up her own mess and how she just wishes there was someone there to help her. Laird is kind and tells her he cleans up his own messes too and it’s a difficult thing to do and it hurts sometimes. It’s a genuinely sweet scene until Hannah nearly passes out from not eating/anxiety and tells Laird to be gentle but she’s too weak to fight him off sexually. Presumptuous much Hannah Banana?

Laird’s exchange with Hannah is the best. He tells her he doesn’t like her like that anymore after seeing how she treats people and that her insides are rotten. He tells her she is the most presumptuous and self-absorbed person he has ever met and that he thinks the scene in her head must be pretty dark. Well done sir (or should I say Councilman Jamm from Parks and Rec).  And as Hannah apologizes for not seeing Laird as person before, I feel the mix of both loathing and empathy for Hannah all at once that is a real signature of this show. Great scene.

Laird - speaker of harsh truth!

Laird – speaker of harsh truth!

Hannah then returns to her apartment to call Jessa and freak out on her for bailing on her and basically says she has no friends and no one to talk to about the shit going on in her life (even though she has been burning bridges all season and shouldn’t be surprised). She calls Marnie an anorexic, Shosh becomes “fucking Shosh” and Adam is her “stalker ex-boyfriend”. Way harsh lady.

In the end she calls Adam (who is totally the season’s MVP) via Facetime and he comes to her rescue as he runs down the street and stays on the phone with her. Yes, it’s absurd and romantic and had I not been completely frustrated with Hannah at this moment then I would have loved it more when Adam beat down the door and came in to scoop her up. This was like a cliche rom-com happy ending that I couldn’t get on board with. Not because I don’t love Adam and think its perfectly plausible he’d ride the subway with no shirt, but because this romantic reunion sort of comes out of nowhere. For a moment – Hannah is “rescued”.

Adam is the best, but does Hannah deserve this?

Adam is the best, but does Hannah deserve this?

I guess I feel like I should have felt more here, but I didn’t. It was sweet and I love Adam but I also know that a real relationship between these two is going to be a lot more difficult than breaking down someone’s door and scooping them up. Hannah’s still going to get sued most likely, she still has OCD and a bad haircut, and she still will have problems with Adam. She is back to square one, but hopefully manned with a little more knowledge from her many mistakes this season. I’m interested to see where she goes next even if she is totally the wound of the season.

Shosh and Ray

First of all, that sex scene was so painful. Fellas you know there is trouble in paradise when your girl is wearing a hoodie during sex and essentially not into it at all and tells you she doesn’t want to finish. Yikes. Shosh brings up yet again that she wants Ray to have ambition and to want something because she can’t live like this.

Adorably, Ray goes to Grumpy’s to quit and get back on track finishing his PhD in Philosophy (of course!). Colin Quinn (Grumpy) tells him that his girlfriend doesn’t want a doctor of philosophy but rather someone who is going to be able to provide for her and buy her croissant shaped fancy purses. He is opening a new Grumpy’s in Brooklyn Heights and wants Ray to run the new store and build it from the ground up. He tells Ray he can make a good living out of it and that he can pursue his passions on the weekend. Ray takes the job but asks for a more impressive title for Shosh’s benefit and it’s all oddly sweet.

So Colin Quinn has been running Grumpy's since leaving SNL. Cool

So Colin Quinn has been running Grumpy’s since leaving SNL. Cool

Ray comes home with the good news but is met by a less than enthusiastic Shosh who begins to try to break up with him in what I would call the best acted scene of the night. Adam Driver might be the MVP of the season, but Zosia Mamet is a very close second. Her breakdown over how Ray doesn’t like anything she likes and the list of things he hates including the sound of children playing and going out to dinner (which Shosh LOVES) and ribbons is both heartbreaking and hilarious all at once.

She tells Ray she can’t grow into the person she is supposed to be with his black soul hanging over her, she needs experiences and positivity. Ray asks if there is someone else, some adult blonde male waiting in the wings. But Shosh says there isn’t and that maybe someday he’ll change and she’ll grow and she can love his black soul, but not now.

I can't be the only thing you like.

I can’t be the only thing you like.

With that ends the relationship between my two favorite weirdos – Shosh and Ray. Ray takes his Andy Kaufman cut-out and storms out and Shosh breaks down in tears in that amazing butterfly dress. Shosh did the right thing, no matter how much I love Ray. She was right and she told him what she wants. I look forward to seeing Shosh out in the world next year – figuring her shit out. You know she has more amazing things in that weirdo brain of hers than just thinking about/dating Ray.

Emmy nomination please and thank you.

Emmy nomination please and thank you.

Of course the end montage shows Shosh making out with an adult male blonde who looked like Rolf from Sound of Music, but that’s cool. Homegirl needs to be twenty-one and crazy and enjoy college and do fun shit. Get it Shosh. And Ray – I hope you find happiness and life direction and that you get therapy like Shosh suggested.

Marnie and Charlie

Easily the worst of the story lines and the one that chapped my asshole the most. Seriously — suddenly Marnie wants Charlie and thinks she is over everything she’s been going through? The answer is in being with Charlie. It seems pretty obvious to me that Marnie is still in her downward spiral by feeling like she has to cling to the one person who has and will always love her unconditionally. She even convinces herself she loves him and wants to have his little brown babies because it’s better than the alternative of having no job, no friends and no boyfriend.

Casual sex Marnie

Casual sex Marnie

So Marnie and Charlie are doing it. A lot. The scene were he is making a meal out of Marnie is actually pretty funny because she won’t shut up and needs to know when he got so good at this. I actually laughed out loud when she smacked his head and interrupted him to demand this knowledge. But then we’re at brunch with them and Marnie tells him she loves that they are both over their little misadventures and are finally back together like old fogeys. Charlie is like “What the fuck?” with his face and Marnie reads this reaction as they are just having casual sex and freaks out. This is not the rules according to Marnie, she expects Charlie’s love and adoration. She storms off and yells “Do you want to date me or not? Last chance”. UGH!

Charlie chases her down, she tells him she is coming off the worst year of her life and then that she loves him and all she wants is to wake up next to him and make him snacks and have his babies and watch him die. Then Charlie softens and tells her that he always have loved her and always will and that everything good he’s ever done was for her. You guys, I felt like I was in a bad Lifetime movie during this scene. I liked it better when Charlie was a little bitter and Marnie knew that Charlie’s brand of suffocating love wasn’t going to bring her happiness. I felt like these two were playing at being grown-ups in love and reading from a script.

Wait, we're dating?

Wait, we’re dating?

I was pretty pissed that Dunham got these two back together but we all know it’s because Marnie is floundering around so much (last week’s cover of Stronger proves this) that she clings to the only thing she can count on – Charlie’s smothering love for her. This makes me really loathe Marnie, which is hard to write since I was pulling for her all season. She is doing this and going through these motions because it was the life she had planned for herself — marry a good looking (and rich) guy who could support her and she’ll have his babies and live a good life.

You're welcome ladies. Fine as hell.

You’re welcome ladies. Fine as hell.

I know Marnie is more than that, or at least I hope she is and I hope she snaps out of this domestic fantasy. It’s hard to grow up and realize that your life might not go as you had thought or planned it would, but I hope Marnie realizes that this plan she had for herself isn’t going to make her happy before she ruins Charlie’s life more. I think the comment about the money offers a bit of foreshadowing and obviously indicates that Marnie doesn’t necessarily want Charlie but the idea of being taken care of so she doesn’t have to figure her shit out. Just like Hannah. Parallels y’all. Anyway, this storyline was absolutely my least favorite and I am over it already. The reunion speeches they gave each other had me rolling my eyes.


Adam, why would you leave a total fucking catch like Natalia for a total fucking mess like Hannah? I mean, I think I know why, but it makes me so sad because Natalia is balls out amazing. When they are having sex and she tells him she likes his cock, etc. and then he calls her a whore she becomes my hero when she tells him “Don’t say that. I can like your cock and not be a whore”.  PREACH. I love this broad. She calls Adam on his shit behavior and knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to say it.

We're gonna miss you girl!

We’re gonna miss you girl!

It’s nice to see a woman be assertive in the bedroom on this show in a positive way. Adam listens and then tries to go fast, but she tells him to go slower and isn’t afraid to speak up. Get it girl! But in the end we know this is killing Adam because he is kinkier and more violent than that in bed and this chick won’t give him what he wants sexually and will judge him. This is why I think he misses Hannah. She is more submissive, more understanding of his sexual needs, and more in need of rescue.

Adam - being the best.

Adam – being the best.

While I don’t think Hannah necessarily deserves his grand gesture at the end – I love Adam for recognizing that she really wasn’t well and needed someone and stayed on the phone with her because he was genuinely worried about her and has feelings for her. I died a little when he broke down the door and leapt over the couch before scooping up Hannah and holding her. I think I would have felt more if Hannah hadn’t been so horrible this season, but still — Adam Driver – I love you and think you are the cat’s pajamas. Let’s make out, I don’t even care that you have the face of an old timey criminal.

You've made me love you, I didn't wanna do it, I didn't wanna do it.

You’ve made me love you, I didn’t wanna do it, I didn’t wanna do it.

So ends the season in a montage of love – Hannah safely ensconced (for now) in Adam’s arms, Marnie and Charlie on a yuppie grown up date and looking happy, and Shosh tonguing Draco Malfoy at the bar. But as I said above I was mad at first that the show tied up all the plots in this perfect little bow (and it seemed really rushed that they did it within the span of the last ten minutes of the episode), but we all know that this isn’t over. Our girls are happy…for now. We know that tomorrow all of their problems, hang-ups and issues with both each other and their respective beaus haven’t and won’t go away until they put their lady balls on the table and really talk and grow up. Here’s to season 3.

Winner of the Episode – Shosh, Adam, Hannah’s dad and his freakishly ripped arms

Wounds of the Week – Marnie, Charlie, Hannah

Winner of the Season – Shosh

Wound of the Season – Hannah

Vote for your Wound of the Week

Thanks again for reading. Please follow continue following Brem and I as we take turns recapping Game of Thrones and I start recapping Mad Men once both shows return. Our readers are the best and we appreciate you.

Girls S2 E9 – Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger

13 Mar

Good god, I can’t tell you the last time I physically cringed and squirmed so much during an episode of television. This episode had it all — an ear drum puncture from q-tip digging, a splinter in the ass, the most embarrassing party performance ever, an alcoholic falling off the wagon, super agressive and creepy sex (complete with cum shots – yikes), and some mortifying flirting. I actually had to look away from the screen more than once because I was dying for these characters. This is not to say that I thought this was a bad episode by any means, it was just a really uncomfortable one.


I was worried they were going to introduce this anxiety and OCD plot and then never really follow through with it after Hannah got medicine at the end of the last episode. Things are still not going well for Hannah in the mental health arena as we can see as she rides the elevator to her publisher meeting and is still displaying various tics.

To say her meeting does not go well is an understatement. Her editor asks her if her hymen grew back and also tells her he didn’t finish her pages not because he was too busy, but because he just didn’t like it and was bored. He tells Hannah to get her shit together and start writing about her sexual escapades – less Jane Austen more EL James. Sex with a teenager? You had him at barely legal. What a total creep. Hannah leaves feeling even more anxious than before and goes home to attempt to write the next great e-book sex novella.

Did your hymen grow back?

Did your hymen grow back?

Whilst at home she slides across the floor and gives herself a massive ass splinter. Not sure why we needed this scene – it seemed gratuitous and weird since the splinter was an accident and she handles it well by getting tweezers, and peroxide and disinfecting the wound post splinter and bandaging it up. I think there might be a Lena Dunham has to be naked in every episode clause in the show’s contract. But then the ass splinter leads Hannah to buying q-tips and she begins to clean her ears.

I just can't.

I just can’t.

It was like watching a horror story – seeing Hannah plunge the q-tip further and harder into her ear. I looked away, I yelled at her to stop, it was awful. And she didn’t stop until she seemingly perforated her ear drum and screamed. God, is there anything more awful than watching things like people aggressively cleaning their ear, cutting their nails too close, popping a zit, or tearing a scab off? I mean, these are things that we all have probably done at one point in our lives – but seeing someone else do it makes it super horrifying.

Hannah ends up at the hospital after a phone call to her parents (I get that, I call my mom before going to the doctor sometimes too, even though she doesn’t have a medical degree) advising her to go there since they are in Michigan and can’t do anything for her.

Dark times for this girl.

Dark times for this girl.

The doctor at the hospital is pretty hilarious and rattles off some good one liners while Hannah explains her anxiety and why she did this. My favorite is when she asks if she can keep the q-tip and the doctor is like ” Certainly, I suggest you frame it”. He probably gets minor crazies like Hannah in the ER every day.

On her way home Hannah (sans pants, naturally) runs into Adam who is escaping the engagement party of Nat’s friend for a few seconds. It’s all kinds of weird and sad. She was going to try and hug him, he rebuffs her. He calls her kid and tell her to get her shit together. She tells him this meeting is making her feel sad and strange. She also tells him about the book deal and he reacts in a very nonchalant way that suggests he has really moved on.

Awkward street encounter.

Awkward street encounter.

Hannah is thrown by the fact that he has a new girlfriend and this girlfriend is a together enough person to have friends who are getting engaged. She heads home – sad, surprised and still anxious. The episode ends with a long shot of Hannah sitting on her tub and looking forlorn. It zooms in on her and then we see her compulsively stick another q-tip into her uninjured ear. Dark stuff y’all. Dark stuff.

You guys, I’m officially worried about Hannah. She has no friends (Shosh and Marnie haven’t really hung out with her much, Elijah’s gone, Jessa’s off the reservation, Adam is cold to her), her book is a mess, she is rocking some serious anxiety and OCD — please tell me this season isn’t going to end with a suicide attempt. I can’t handle this. C’mon Hannah – stop backsliding into your old ways and get yo shit together!

Shosh (& Ray)

I’d like to first address how amazing it is to see Ray in a purple girly snuggie when we first get a Ray/Shosh scene. Shosh is taking care of a slightly sick Ray by doing some “geisha shit” and going overboard to be accommodating to him. He notices she has been acting weird (the guilt of the doorman make-out is eating her up), but he feels bad and apologizes for the geisha comment.

Snuggie enthusiast and dabbler in the Macintosh arts

Snuggie enthusiast and dabbler in the Macintosh arts

Shosh notes that Ray never apologizes and in that moment we can feel just how invested Ray is in his relationship with Shosh. He is doing things that are out of character to make her happy, including helping Marnie lay down her track on Garage Band because he’s a known dabbler in the Macintosh arts (great line and delivery Ray).

We don’t see Shosh and Ray again until they are at Charlie’s AMU celebration party and Shosh is rocking the most magnificent side bun in the universe. It’s like a cinnamon roll is atop her head — it’s so very Shosh. Shosh goes on to flatter Charlie and yammer on about how great he looks and  Ray becomes hostile (and clearly jealous of Charlie’s success) and leaves to grab a shitty beer. Then Shosh actually flirts with Charlie – openly and awkwardly!! What is this behavior young lady?! I know that the doorman makeout unleashed something in you, but flirting with your roommate’s ex is where I’d like to draw the line.

Shosh's hair. I die.

Shosh’s hair. I die.

Shosh continues to circulate around the room – oozing confidence and flirty sex appeal and attracting boys with her half a Princess Leia hairdo much to Ray’s chagrin. Ray is being a jealous boyfriend but with good cause. And he is the only person who applauds after Marnie publicly embarrasses herself (more on that next) so I give him props.

In the end he confronts Shosh on avoiding him and being weird. He asked her point blank (Ray style is the best — he just says what he means) – if she doesn’t like him anymore. She confesses to “holding hands” with a doorman but tells Ray she still loves him and he doesn’t mind. The thing is, Ray isn’t stupid. I kind of think he knows there was more to it than “hand holding” but he is just so desperate to hold onto the only good thing he has in his life that he overlooks the transgression.

Shosh’s face as she tells Ray she still loves him and then gives him a hug is definitely indicative of stormy weather ahead. I’ll slap myself in the face if they aren’t broken up by the end of the finale next week. It’s too bad, they are good for each other, but not good for each other right now. Like so much of life, it comes down to timing.


Speaking of timing – Marnie’s is the WORST. We find out that Marnie is taking Ray’s advice and trying to pursue singing. She is attempting to “lay down tracks” on Garage Band and is hoping to add “a little bassoon” to her current jam — What.The.Fuck.Marnie? In more “What the Fuck Marnie?” news — WHY are you trying to have a lunch date with Charlie? Seriously? What’s wrong with you? You basically couldn’t stand the sight of him last season. You’ve pushed him away, acted weird, broke up with him while he was inside you — what the fuck is wrong with you? Leave this dude alone. End rant.

Crazy eyed psycho.

Crazy eyed psycho.

Anyway, Charlie has forgotten their plans because his company now has 20,000 average monthly users or as Shosh would just say “amus” and he is celebrating and forgets the lunch. And would you blame him? At this point I’d stop having anything to do with Marnie, esp. because Charlie is looking fine with a capital F. But because Charlie has a smothering savior complex – he can’t resist the slightly damaged and manic Marnie. He half-heartedly invites her to his company party that night and she accepts.

And now the scene that had me squirming in my seat. I mean, I almost can’t write about it. Marnie brings her ipod, interrupts the DJ and takes the microphone to dedicate a song to Charlie and the company. I was already dying before she even started singing. “Noooooo! Don’t do it. Walk away!” I yelled at the screen. But she didn’t listen. Marnie breaks into the WORST cover of Kanye West’s Stronger that I will probably ever hear. I don’t even know if I can listen to the regular version of Stronger any more after this.

And she just keeps going. Read the room, Marnie! She doesn’t stop. Everyone looks embarrassed for her and she has no idea. How can someone lack that much self-awareness? Is that even possible? She finishes the song — and the awkward silence is only punctured by Ray kindly clapping and cheering.

I'm still dying.

I’m still dying.

In the aftermath of the most cringe inducing performance ever, Charlie pulls Marnie into his office and asks if she is manic. She is still totally clueless and says “It wasn’t that bad, right?” and Charlie gives her the truth and says “Well, it wasn’t good.” THANK GOD. And then Marnie realizes that Charlie pities her. And he does, because at this moment, Marnie is the lowest we (and Charlie) have ever seen her. Her shit is a mess. She needs to hear this. She is flailing.

And as Charlie dealt her some harsh truth – I really liked him AND that he was a stone cold fox. But then, he suddenly becomes the worst when after Marnie asks him not to pity her, he starts making out with her. STOP IT MARNIE AND CHARLIE! This is totally stupid and self-destructive for both of you. And then they start banging on his desk and I just cover my eyes. This isn’t hot, it’s pathetic.

Marnie — I love you and I understand you’re lost and confused — but this is just a terrible idea. And Charlie – you really need to get over your whole “fixing broken girls/damsels in distress” fetish. It’s kind of creepy.


And once again Adam Driver absolutely owns an episode of Girls. Things with Natalia are going very well. Adam is doing normal boyfriend things like seeing Sandra Bullock movies and staying over at her house. I really like Natalia – she tells Adam she is ready to start having sex with him and then tells him exactly what she likes and doesn’t like. I think it’s great to finally see a woman on this show tell a man what she wants sexually in a way that is totally normal and casual. Adam likes it too and tells her so and she gives the best response “I didn’t know there was another way.” She’s the anti-Hannah, and I’m into it.

Before things went horribly wrong.

Before things went horribly wrong.

Adam likes this girl so much that he even says yes to going to an engagement party even though things like that (or Sandra Bullock movies for that matter) are definitely not his thing. At the engagement party we can see how out of his element Adam is as a bro comes out of the bathroom is like “So pissed we’re missing the game for this” and Adam is like “Yeah” but not interested at all.

Adam also is put through the “meet the friends and get judged” wringer by the hilarious Amy Schumer who is playing the engaged friend. She is a super hilarious stand-up comic btw — check her out. She meets him by flashing her ring, telling Adam she’ll kill him if he hurts Nat, and then tells him about when Nat blew her cousin. SO that’s the kind of night Adam is in for. Schumer and Nat also have the best exchange ever about Adam’s looks as they walk away – “God, he has the face of an old-timey criminal” “No he doesn’t, he looks like Peter Pan!”. TRUTH!

The face of an old timey criminal!

The face of an old timey criminal!

Adam steps outside for air and to escape the party and then runs into Hannah. He seems totally together and fine during this interaction (detailed more in the Hannah section up above) but then goes inside and proceeds to order a drink. I screamed at the screen – NO ADAM! No Jack and ginger!

And what the fuck is wrong with Natalia? Isn’t her mom a recovering alkie? Why would she be totally okay with her alcoholic boyfriend falling off the wagon? How is this a good idea? If you really cared for the dude, you’d tell him you don’t have to stay at the party and then leave together. BUT she doesn’t — what the hell man?

The proceeding montage of dancing and drinking leads me to believe that Adam gets at least a little tipsy before bringing Natalia back to his apartment. She reacts to his place the way any normal human being would – which is mildly terrified and disgusted. I mean – it looks a prop room for Saw and is not the cleanest. Then things get weird and creepy fast. Adam tells Natalia to get on all fours and to crawl to his bed. There is a force behind his voice that we haven’t heard him use in any scenes with her thus far.

Why did you let him drink?!?

Why did you let him drink?!?

Natalia crawls to the bed while rightfully whispering under her breath about getting tetanus and how dirty the floor is and how the situation is weird. Then she asks Adam what the hell is going on and he scoops her and throws her on the bed. For a split second I thought it would go back to being playful and normal after Adam realizes that Natalia isn’t the kind of girl who is into this shit.

Instead the scene takes a dark turn as Adam tells Nat he wants to fuck her from behind and she bewilderingly obliges. He immediately starts banging her and it seems violent and not enjoyable at all, judging from Nat’s face. And all the while Adam is talking and asking questions like “Do you like this? Do you like me now?” and generally being absolutely horrible. Then he pulls out, flips Nat over and finishes himself off on her tits (holy cum shot Batman — I can’t believe HBO can show that and I’m super grateful I don’t watch this show with my parents).

The face of an old timey criminal.
The bed of relationship destruction

Nat looks upset, disgusted and terrified. While I wouldn’t classify this scene as rape as some on the interwebs sites are suggesting – it was definitely a violation. Adam knew Nat wouldn’t be into what he was doing but he did it anyway. I applaud Nat for telling him immediately with tears her eyes that she didn’t like that at all. I’m happy she spoke up because no one deserves to get treated that way.

The most devastating thing about this whole scene is that Adam seems to have done this on purpose. He has willfully sabotaged this nice relationship with this great girl because he thinks he doesn’t deserve it. It sort of breaks my heart, even though I thought Adam was a major asshole and pig in this moment. When he looked at her and said “I guess you’re done with me now”, you could feel his shame and his resignation. Man, Adam Driver is the acting MVP on this show.

So that’s the show for the week. Next week is the season finale and I’ll be bringing you my last Girls recap of the season. What do you think is going to happen?

Here’s what I’m thinking – Hannah — nervous breakdown or suicide attempt, Adam – gets back in touch with Hannah — continues to drink, Marnie – casually sexing with Charlie — maybe he turns the tables and dumps her or maybe she starts pulling herself out of self loathing spiral and starts to get her shit together, Shosh – breaks up with Ray and hopefully gets a lil slutty. Ray – figures out what his passion is and starts pursuing it – I still think he’d be an awesome therapist even though he’s sort of a dick, Charlie – grows a set and dumps Marnie. Jessa – is she still on this show?

Winner of the Week – No one. This was an all around total bummer/cringer

Wound – Everyone? Is that possible?

Early Nineties Nostalgia – Saved by the Bell

11 Mar

Bayside High ruined high school for me. If you grew up in the early to mid nineties then I feel fairly certain that we could sit down and have an intense conversation about the greatest Saturday morning show ever — Saved by the Bell. I’m not talking about the Miss Bliss Years or the College Years and especially not The New Class. I’m talking about the OG SBTB with Zack, Kelly, Slater, Jessie, Screech, Lisa and Mr. Belding.

Just pretend Tori isn't a part of this awesome montage.

Just pretend Tori isn’t a part of this awesome montage.

I don’t know that I can compare it to anything on tv now because it didn’t center around wizards or web series stars or famous singers pretending to be normal like certain Disney shows my niece and nephew are now growing up on. This show centered around a group of normal high school friends in the southern California town of Bayside trying to navigate high school while still pulling the most awesome pranks and generally being the coolest people ever. And while it was about high school, it was silly and not too grown up. It was something for those of us not quite old enough for 90210 but not quite young enough to still watch Tiny Toons.

But back to SBTB ruining high school. You see, eleven year old me really thought that this what was high school was going to be like. I thought the coolest boy in school was going to be as handsome and charming as Zack Morris and that it was absolutely possible that his best friend would be the dorkiest guy in school because they grew up together and you don’t just walk away from that.

The whole gang and power couple Zack and Kelly.

The whole gang and power couple Zack and Kelly.

You could imagine my disappointment when I slowly started to realize that life was going to be more complicated than what kind of shake to order at the Max and that the brainiest girl in school wasn’t going to be dating the class jock. Or that the coolest guy isn’t a jerk and is best friends with a huge dork.

There was a character everyone could relate to or at least have their first crush on. There was the cool, charming, excellently coifed and handsome Zack, the nerd with a heart of gold Screech, the beautiful and cool fashionista Lisa, the brainy and competitive Jessie Spano, the wholesome, kind, prom queen Kelly, the well meaning, sexy meat head jock Slater and the tough but loving Mr. Belding.

Look at that hair. Absolute 90s perfection.

Look at that hair. Absolute 90s perfection.

I was more of a Zack girl than a Slater girl but I fancied myself a Jessie Spano since Lisa was too cool of a dresser and Kelly bored me to death. I recall squealing with delight when Jessie and Zack “accidentally” made out during Snow White rehearsals (twice!). Let’s face it y’all – it was totally the hottest kiss ever on the show – just see the youtube clip below – sorry for the sort of crappy quality – it was all I could find.

There was totes tongue going on. And Jessie was a role model for young girls – showing us that it was cool to be smart and competitive and a feminist who yells at her boyfriend for calling her “mama”.

Hottie with a naughty body (and a sweet mullet)

Hottie with a naughty body (and a sweet mullet)

This show explored serious issues such as addiction (via the super famous “caffeine” pill addiction breakdown compliments of Jessie Spano), drugs (that episode where the movie star pulls out a joint a party), drunk driving, broken hearts, and failure.

But it also was fun and gave us an Oklahoma! themed prom, a rapping/hip hop school play in Snow White and the Seven Dorks, a dance-off hosted by Casey Kasem, and other amazing hi-jinks that I was sure I’d be getting up to once I was sixteen. The show never really talked much about sex, except for the occasional “ooooohs” that would happen when two characters chastely kissed.  It was good wholesome fun that didn’t seem like it was pandering to my very mature eleven year old self.

Buddy bands yo!

Buddy bands yo!

I know this sounds silly to say, but man – they just don’t make em’ like that anymore. While there were romances (notably between Zack and Kelly and Jessie and Slater) – it never felt like that was what the show was about. It was about friendship and having fun. The characters didn’t always all get along and they didn’t always do the right thing, but they learned from their mistakes. Plus, they had the fatherly figure of Mr. Belding who was guiding them, disciplining them, and provided the sort of eye rolling “Oh adults. So out of touch” moments for us.

The best.

The best.

So yep, My name is Erin and I am a Saved by the Bell addict.

Things I learned from watching Saved by the Bell

1) Caffeine pill addiction is no fucking joke. It will make you think you missed the geometry test you already took, be late for Hot Sundae’s gig at the Max and will result in spontaneous singing of “I’m So Excited”.

2) Zack Morris’s hair was perfection.

3) Even though he had a mullet perm – Mario Lopez was bound for future hotness

Get in line ladies.

Get in line ladies.

4) There’s No Hope (clap) with Dope!

5) Just because you say “Time Out” doesn’t mean that everyone is going to freeze like you’re Zack Morris. Trust me, I’ve tried.

Time out!

Time out!

6) There is nothing cooler than high-waisted jeans, Cosby sweaters and giant cell phones.

The fashion was truly the best.
The fashion was truly the best.

The fashion was truly the best.

7) Access to the Principal’s office is as easy as opening a door that looks like it should be a storage closet.

8) Bayside rules and the Valley Bulldogs suck.

9) Meat heads will always have nicknames like “Ox”.

Ox lugging Slater away.

Ox lugging Slater away.

10) It’s entirely possible for a tv show to introduce a character (Tori) and then make her disappear like she never happened in the next set of episodes.

11) When guys have a sleepover they wear coordinating neon socks, tank tops, and sunglasses and do choreographed dances to “Barbara Ann”



12) Oil spills are something that can happen on your high school football field.

13) Dating or crushing on older guys never ends well (cough – Jeff)

14) Don’t use your first name as part of your band’s name – you’ll jinx the band and then they’ll break up. I have a Zack Attack t-shirt to remind me of the better days.

Yes, I owned this shirt. Stop judging me.

Yes, I owned this shirt. Stop judging me.

15) If you want your opening credits to be amazing – use as many “cool” clip art pictures as possible (skateboards, sunglasses, ice cream, etc) – along with a catchy theme song.

16) You knew something dramatic was going down when the electric guitar background music got real sad and intense (the youtube clips prove this). Conversely – awesome things happening meant amazingly upbeat electric guitar music.

Favorite Episodes

-The famous caffeine pill episode because it also featured Screech dressing as a woman janitor to secretly record the girls singing in the locker room. Also it features a music video by Hot Sundae (Lisa, Kelly, and Jessi) which mostly looks like a workout video.

– The episode where the boys take the girls for granted and the girls get pissed – prompting a dinner at the Max and the boys performing “What I Should Have Said Theater”. Extra points for this because Screech plays Kelly in drag and Slater rips off his clothes to reveal a unitard and dances ballet.

– The Dance-Off episode where Lisa sprains her ankle before Casey Kasem comes to town and opts to perform with Screech and they invent “The Sprain” dance and win the contest.

– All of the episodes where the crew works at a beach resort for the summer. It introduces my favorite of Zack’s girlfriends – Stacy Carosi – an east coast college broad with a mouth of sass and a secret vulnerability.

Leah Remini was the bomb.com

Leah Remini was the bomb.com

– The Zack Attack episode – which I am pretty sure inspired VH1’s Behind the Music.

– The graduation episode because it made me cry when I was a kid.

– Snow White and the Seven Dorks episode – for the above stated reasons. That kiss. Woot. You just KNOW they had to have been doing it in real life.

A high school musical that was completely rapped? Yep, I'm in.

A high school musical that was completely rapped? Yep, I’m in.