Hey everyone, I want to give you a totally awesome excuse as to why this recap didn’t come sooner as the next episode has already aired in America, but I don’t have one. I apologize for being completely awful about blogging. This next admission won’t make this any easier, but I might have also been drunk on mulled wine while watching this episode.
The best purchase ever.
My friends and I had a premiere party where we ate like Robert Baratheon and I drank like Tyrion Lannister. And I wore a direwolf shirt and shouted things like “My dragons” and “Winter is coming bitches” a few times at the screen. So yeah, that’s what I’ve been up to in Japan.
This recap might be not the most in depth or insightful but I promise to do better next time. Actually – Brem is writing up episode 2 so it should be more prompt. Heads up – I am completely nerdy for these books and this show but I promise to do my best and not spoil or foreshadow any future plot points. So let’s go to Westeros. Apologies in advance for my booze addled thoughts.
Beyond The Wall
We last left Jon Snow as a captive of the free folk of the North. The episode starts with Ygritte bringing him through the wildlings camp to meet Mance Rayder. I have to say that the actress playing Ygritte is doing a damn fine job. Her taunting and sexual chemistry with Jon Snow is so ridiculously great.
I love how she teases him by saying that Mance will kill him if he doesn’t believe him (which is actually true) but you can tell she has a real affection for him and is totally checking him out. In her defense — Kit Harrington does make me think dirty things so I don’t blame the girl. How bad ass was Ygritte taking down one of the kids throwing shit at Jon with a flick of her staff, Master Splinter style? Such a lady crush on her, even if she is a ginger.
John gets taken in to meet the King Beyond the Wall but because Mance is a tricky man he hangs back and watches Jon make a fool of himself by bowing to one of his underlings — the Magnar of Thenn. Ygritte and the boys all get a kick out of this until Mance gets down to business and questions why Jon Snow would leave the Nights Watch.
There is a tense exchange that I can’t remember because Jon Snow is just so dreamy, but basically he says he wants to fight the wights who are coming and doesn’t believe the Nights Watch is doing enough. In the end, Mance believes Jon or is willing to give him the benefit of the doubt as he orders him to get a new cloak. Awww yeah. Jon Snow has infiltrated the camp.
Can we just take a moment to appreciate this?
Also beyond the wall is Samwell Tarly, cowering like a craven as a wight approaches him. The walkers are genuinely gnarly. Just as Sam is about to be attacked, Ghost (the best direwolf of all) and then Commander Mormont save the day. We find out that Sam failed to do the one thing that he was supposed to do in the event of an attack — get ravens off to the castle to inform the brothers at the wall of what was coming. Poor Sam, he can’t do anything right these days.
Across the Narrow Sea
Drunk Thoughts
1) Dany is sooo pretty. She is even prettier as a brunette. I wonder if she dyes her hair or if that is a wig? I also wonder out loud if Dany and Jon Snow ever banged in real life because that is the fan fiction of my dreams.
How is this picture not in flames from hotness?
2) The dothraki are vomiting on the boat. I hate vomit, but not as much as dothraki hate the sea.
3) When is Dany going to learn not to trust people in market places? She has a soft spot for children and slaves and it’s going to be a problem. Thank god that Ser Barristan Selmy saves the day and kills the terrifying poisonous robot scorpion contraption sent by the child warlock. I hate their creepy purple mouths. Nightmares.
4) Jorah Mormont looks really sexy this season. Like whoa. Have I been in Japan for too long that I find nearly all the men on this show to be super hot?
No one is mad about this.
5) The unsullied terrify me. I had to turn away and try not to yak mulled wine when the dude’s nipple was being cut off.
The Unsullied and their desensitized nipples.
6) Looks like we have met Missandei – the girl translator for Dany who goes on to become a bigger character in the books. She seems pretty cool. We also had some solidly funny scenes with the slave owner saying terrible things and Missandei tactfully trying to figure out what to translate.
7) THE DRAGONS ARE AWESOME! Looks like they upped the CGI budget this season.
Wee Drogon
8) Barristan Selmy rules. It takes nearly a whole book for Dany to find out who he is, but on the show he just comes forth and presents his name. If you can’t remember, Barristan the Bold was exiled in the first season by Joffrey even though he was the best and truest knight of the Kingsguard. He’s like a hot grandpa and I love him.
The Onion Knight
Davos Seaworth, the Onion Knight, lives!! HUZZAH!
Drunk Thoughts
1) Davos looks really messed up. I appreciate this because in the book he is described as barely clinging to life.
2) Davos stays loyal and proclaims Stannis to be his true king when picked up by a group of pirates. Saying the wrong name could have cost him his life but he follows his heart and gives his loyalty to his best bro.
Looking pretty scurry
Davos is returned to Dragonstone and is immediately brought before Stannis and Melisandre. Sidenote – I don’t know what is happening but Stannis is looking mighty fine this season. One of my friends claims that this is because this episode is really well lit. Not sure I buy it.
3) I really hate Melisandre for pushing Davos’s buttons. He just lost three sons and many men in a battle he fought for Stannis. He stayed loyal and true and almost died and this is the welcome he gets? BULLSHIT.
4) I have a hard time believing Stannis would be this much of a dick to his number two man upon his miraculous survival.
Oddly hot but kind of a dick.
5) Loved that Davos tried to kill Melisandre on the spot and blamed her for not helping them in the Battle of Blackwater. She is awful and I would totally try to strangle her too. Even if it meant that I was sent to the dungeons like our buddy Davos.
The King in the North
Drunk Thoughts
– BORRRRINGGGGG
– Robb is finally seeing that war comes at a terrible cost as he stumbles onto a castle (I think it’s Harrenhaal) and finds piles and piles of bodies. This doesn’t look good for the young King in the North. Winning battles but losing the war is his specialty these days.
Kings Landing
Tyrion Scenes
Drunk Thoughts
1) Bronn is oddly sexy. I know that’s wrong, but I don’t want to be right. I always have liked him since he’s a rogue and a wildcard in the whole game of thrones. Pod interrupting his fuck sesh was pretty classic. Anyone else go “Awwww POD!” upon seeing Tyrion’s squire (and savior)? More Bronn please!!
Best bros.
2) Tyrion really is the best person ever. I love everything about him. I thought Peter Dinkelage turned in another fine performance here with his conversations with both Cersei and Tywin. You could really sense his depth of vulnerability and hurt that his father never came to see him when he was extremely injured. Tyrion basically saved Kings Landing while Joffrey cowered and his reward has been being replaced by his dad as the hand of the king AND finding out he will not inherit Lannisport. Way harsh Ty. (Zing — I’ve been waiting to use that one).
More like Asshole of the King.
3) Tyrion’s comeback to Cersei was comic gold after she disparages his new living situation – “Grand Maester Pycelle made the same joke. You should be proud to be as funny as someone whose balls brush his ankles.” AMAZEBALLS.
4) Cersei tries to threaten Tyrion by telling him about her network of spies in the castle. He doesn’t give a shit because the half man is the smartest person in Westeros. Cersei is obviously nervous now that Jamie isn’t around and her father is back. She fears Tyrion spilling the truth about the twin fucking or any number of sins. I love that Tyrion isn’t cowed by her ridiculousness as he lets her know he is ten times more clever than she is.
(P)imp
5) Was there anything more awful than the exchange between Tywin and Tyrion as Tyrion tried to ask his father for his birthright, Lannisport? Twyin makes it clear that not only will Tyrion not receive his land, money or titles, but he also loathes and distrusts his own son, a son who had just saved the kingdom. Awful. Poor half man.
Cersei
1) Cersei is going to be fun to watch this season. Not only is she terrified of Tyrion scheming against her, but now she is also worried about her position in court. Now that Joffrey’s young, beautiful, and beloved fiance is at Kings Landing, she is old news and has already faded to the background in the eyes of her sociopath son and her subjects.
The most epic of bitchfaces!
2) Love Cersei and Tyrion verbally sparring.
3) Cersei’s faces as she interacts with Margaery are pretty much amazing. The realization that Margaery now has more sway over Joffrey than she does is pretty painful for her and I love it! Can’t wait for their future passive aggressive bitch fights and plenty of subtext.
For real. Did she go to bitchface drama academy to get that scowl? Loves it.
4) Joffrey is such a douche – I wonder if Cersei thinks about slapping his face as often as I do.
Margaery/Joffrey
1) Cersei isn’t the only queen playing the Game of Thrones. Lil’ heart shaped face Margaery is also quite good at playing Joffrey and the people. How much of her stopping at the orphanage is genuine and how much is an act? Does she really love the people or does she realize that she is marrying a hateful monster and the only way to survive anything is to become a beloved figure of the commoners?
2) Margaery is either very cunning or very sweet – but I think I will stick with cunning for now. She is the Princess Di of Kings Landing and Joff knows he maybe just found a way to become more likeable. Better stick with this one Joff.
The Princess Di of Westeros
3) Looking forward to a lot more scenes of Margaery and Cersei being pleasantly awful to each other this season. Nothing like really angry passive aggressive Cersei battles.
4) Is anyone else still disappointed that Loras Tyrell isn’t hotter? In the books he is basically described as the sexiest man in Westeros.
The worst.
Sansa
Sansa is adrift at Kings Landing now that she has been cast aside as Joff’s future bride. She is only glimpsed briefly here as we are given a bit of foreshadowing with Littlefinger’s plans to take her away from the castle. Our two former prostitutes with hearts of gold (Roz and Shae) quietly talk while Littlefinger, the perv, creeps on Sansa and promises her safety.
Disgusting
Roz tells Shae to keep on an eye on Sansa, especially around Littlefinger. That Roz knows what’s up. Shae promises to protect and look after her lady the best she can. In other news, Sansa finds out Arya is alive, or at least was, the last time Littlefinger had heard. YAY!
Overall Vibe – After getting over the initial drunken bliss of being back in Westeros I have to admit that I think the first two or three episodes of each season are a bit tedious. There was a lot a going on here and we didn’t even glimpse Arya, Brienne and Jamie, Bran and plenty of other characters who will soon become important. Hopefully all of the exposition and plotting we are seeing now start paying off with exciting action and sexy times within a few episodes.
I have great hope as I feel that most seasons start off slow and build to something awesome like the Battle of the Blackwater last season or what I know will likely be the finale this season. Thanks for reading this, I promise less drunk thoughts and a much better recap next time. Winter is coming!
Geeks on Parade 